Saturday, February 04, 2006

"Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what
you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will
tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Enlightenment Quiz

1. Yin and ......... A) Yout B) Tonic C) Yenta D) Yang

2. A Zen koan is ........> A) A Jewish Buddhist B) All of the
above C) None of the above D) None of the above

3. Just before total God-realization I would see.......> A) A
blue pearl B) Nothing C) Everything D) How would I know?

4. Lao-Tsu is....... A) Shrimp with fried rice B) The Atman
Brothers C) A Japanese word for sneeze D) Someone you should
know about

5) Jivatman and Atman merge to become....... A) Jivatmanatman
B) The Atman Brothers C) Jivatman & Atman Inc. D) Mr. & Mrs.

6) The word or words which best describes the relationship of
God, Guru, and Self is:- A) Oneness B) Twoness C) Penpalness
D) Just good friends

7) Which of the following is not a name of the Lord?> A) Jehova
B) Elohim C) Yahweh D) Charlton Heston

8) If you swap a Swami with a Yogi you get....... A) A Swogi B)
A Salami C) Yogurt D) Heartburn

9) Carlos Castaneda is: A) A flamenco dancer B) A resort near
San Juan C) A mystery D) The guitarist for Santana

10) Om Mani Padme Om means:- A) O Manny, pardon my home B)
Money talks, nobody walks in C) If u cn rd ths msg u cn gt a gd
jb D) Sanskrit for, Never having to say you're sorry

11) The sound of one hand clapping is: A) Very quiet B) Similar
to smiling with one lip C) A Zen record shop D) Like the "p" in

12) Linguine is to fettucine as kundalini is to: A) Eenie
meenie B) Halloweenie C) Harry Houdini D) Pepto Bismol (this is
a silly answer)

13) The Tao Te Ching is: A) The new premier of China B) A new
record by Cheech and Chong C) I Ching's older brother D) A fine
Chinese restaurant in New York

14) You arrive at a party and your host says, "Far out, I want
to take the responsibility for creating space in your universe
so you can experience your experience." He means: A) "Have a
good time" B) "Don't eat the Swedish meatballs" C) "I just
completed EST training" D) Nothing anyone would understand

15) If three devotees can meditate for a total of nine hours,
how many devotees would it take to mow the lawn?

16) If three devotees can mow the lawn in one hour, how many
stoned devotees would it take to meditate until nobody cared?

17) If shakti was rising toward the fourth chakra at a rate of
3.5 pranayamas per second, and at the same time an energy force
was traveling in the opposite direction at a rate of
4.8 pranayamas per second, what time would it be in Chicago if
we woke up in Los Angeles?


_______Ramakrishna is a cereal made with rice and maple

_______Satori is better than nirvana and samadhi except on
weekends and holidays.

_______Sufi dancing is like square dancing only rounder.

_______The Tibetan Book of the Dead is a novel by Harold

Score 0-5 points: You are hopelessly attached to the wheel of
life and death. Try again next incarnation!

6-10 points: You are largely unconscious and stuck in worldly

10-15 points: You are so-so on the enlightenment scale. Keep
reading the New Sun.

15-20 points: You are a very conscious being; with a little
good karma you could go a long way.

20-25 points: You are very close to True Awareness

[Where do you find the answer key? AH - that is the REAL

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

people, not profits.

Remember this slogan: people, not profits. If you really care about people, take all
of their money away.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006


On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't need him again.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Pirate Jokes

What do you call a pirate who poses for Playgirl? Play-matey
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!" "What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."

The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really." "Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes." "Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."

"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"

"Well," says the pirate, "I wasn't used to me hook yet."
#1 Pirate Pickup Line: "Ahoy, how about checkin' out me bed in me cabin on me ship? The rocking motion is quite pleasant, if ye catch me drift."

Random Spam

From: Penelope Dick
stonewall be flow ! butyl not revolution on grenoble some chastise ! breadboard a daub on implementer be beggar it latrobe it bombproof ! liverpool it siren be brenda not turtleback the caiman in cagey some malabar try pillar , industrious ! preserve a shatterproof a bundoora try dunkirk see importation in hogan some tass a gorgeous may averse not amphibian in mcdermott on barn it nrc a Keine email hier on burgundy may utah it's be dressmake it's acid on , erato a david , on embank it conflagrate on


I made two songs tonight. Two mixes of Conjure One's "Face The Music." My acoustic guitar mix and my techno dance mix can be heard on AcidPlanet.

productive day

Kay, so today was relativly productive. I....did that thing with the stuff...oh, I played FFXI, and leveled up to 21. I was running around the Tomb and I was trying to get to my level, and this level 75 WHM/37 BLM IM's me and asks if I want to be in a party in Valkrum. We get to talking and she asks if I have my sub job, and I said no, cause I can't solo the quest. So she tells me to get Teleport Holla, and she'll meet me there. So I get there, and she runs me down to the Gusgen Mines where she and her "husband" - as she kept calling him, but I highly doubt they've even met - go in and kill the skeleton that needed to be killed so I can get the skull. The LAST thing I needed to get that quest. After that, she starts running me to Jueno so I can get my choco license.

So on the way, she and her husband power level me up to 21. Safely get me to Jueno, well I died once on the way, but she raised me from the dead (and I'm still not a zombie...disapointing). She randomly gives me 40,000 so I can buy some earrings that enhance your magic. Then after I've bought 'em, she gives me ANOTHER 30,000 "I hope it helps."

I was dumbfounded. People have been somewhat nice to me throughout the game, but there are a lot of fucking assholes. IdolSoul, I remember him, lol, he randomly power levels me for a bit and gives me 100,000 gil.

Aside from that, I slept a lot, and worked a bunch. So I feel productive. Now I'm about to remix!

Multiple Personality Internet

Okay, so picture this.

Multiple Personality....INTERNET CHATTING.

How are you?
I'm okay.
Who are you?
I'm you.

or... Example

Who are you?
I'm Luc.
I'm Frank.
I live in Wellsville.
Me too!
My house is big and white.
No fucking way! MINE TOO!!!

So picture this: You're at your computer. You have 3 chat windows open. Left brain controls this window, right brain controls that window, and nobody knows who the 3rd is.

Who are you?
I'm Elizabeth.
No way! Me too.
How do you know?
I am you.
Son of a bitch...

Frank - You'd have multiple paranoia. Multiple personalities, and they're all paranoid. That'd be great. Just because they're all out to kill me doesn't mean they aren't! They aren't all here to kill you. Some of them are here to kill me! AHHH!!!!

Or imagine if all your personalities got along:

They're here to kill us! I know!!!

And if they all have different phobias. One is afraid of spaces; one is afraid of snakes; one is afraid of paper. You're in a wide open field with snakes all around you holding a piece of paper with a message on it. Or agoraphobic and claustrophobic. One personality would flip out with the door all the way open. One would flip out with it all the way shut, so you freak them both out and leave it halfway.

I am really agoraphobic though. I do *not* like wide open spaces. I do *not* like field. I am scared of fields. Not so much the field itself as being in a wide open space where people can see me. My house couldn't be open like that. It'd have to have buildings or trees around it. That's why I don't like having my windows without curtains. Or having my curtains open. I don't like it. I really don't. It freaks me out. I don't like people being able to see me. It bothers me that we don't really have curtains on the bay window in the dining room. It's wide fucking open all the fucking time. The curtains are fucking lace for God's sake.

Frank - Imagine if one of your personalities was afraid of Lynard Skynard. So one is afraid of silence and you leave you alone in a room with nothing but Lynard Skynard. "OMG! Silence" play. "OMG! Lynard Skynard" so that one would break the stereo, and the other would start beating the other one up. That'd be some fight club shit right there. That'd be worth watching. Or if someone was afraid of touching their penis because they were raised catholic, and the other was afraid of letting it go because the weinersnatcher might steal it. So they're running around the rest of their life with their hands outside their pants grabbing their dick.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

random spam

"Just for Gentitals - Division 37"
Subject: Did we help you?

Our research facility has just concluded a 2 year study on a product
called "L-0-N-G-Z". Dr. Wagner and myself are not embarrassed to
test products that increase the size of the male genitals.

This product did better than any other tests we have carried out on
similar products. Our results are concluded on the product website,
and soon this product will be available to you in stores.

Online Information:

Good Will Experiments
Celeste Wagner
Research and Design Analyst

Database Update:

weekend events

I woke up at 6:30 thinking "Oh my God, I'm fucking hungry." So I got up and ate. Feeling pretty okay. I'm sore. Holy shit, am I sore. I fucked up my wrist Friday night. I was doing a jump w/ Ryan, and Dennis caught my skate, and I went down. Landed on my knees, and put my hands down to keep from bashing my head. My left wrist has been all swollen and black and blue. I've been using Traumeel on it. An hour after it happened, I had this kind of icky bruise, and that was Friday night. Now, thanks to the traumeel, the bruise is nearly gone. Less than 48 hours later. This shit works fast.

Dad gave me a new video card, one that works! AHHHH!!!! NVidia GeForce w/ 32m of on board ram. He also gave me some padded gloves w/ wrist support. They're those half gloves that don't cover all your fingers. They have padding on the palm where I damaged my wrist, and they have straps that go around my wrists to keep them secure. I noticed while I was wearing them that my joints didn't ache as much as usual because I was keeping them warm. The joints in my fingers usually ache. My back usually aches too. Holy shit. My back is always sore anymore.

But anywho, back to skating, Fred went with me Friday night which was kind of nice. He wouldn't skate since his knees are aching in that way they do. He just sat there and watched me. Said it was a lot of fun to watch me teach all these little kids how to skate.

It's a strange dynamic. We're an odd couple, as he pointed out the other night. We'll walk 15 minutes just so we can watch cartoons together lol. I am not complaining though. This is all good. It's so strange to feel zero pressure...I don't have to tell him every time I talk to a guy or anything like that. It's strange to be in a trusting, happy, committed relationship, and still have room to grow.

I'm diggin' it though. Holy shit.


A perfectly good cheer for any sporting occassion:

Rat shit.
Bat shit.
Dirty old twat.
69 assholes tied in a knot.
Lizard Shit!