hehehe

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is
asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be
present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "O.K. do you
have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached, I'll be
having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you
before you see her that the baby is black"

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no
money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno
movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of
my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward
questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde
hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately
needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved
in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my
business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted
eyes."

"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and
there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had
no choice."

At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and
presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby
a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother
exclaims, "Thank God for that!" "What do you mean?" says the
midwife, shocked.

"WHEW!" says the girl extremely relieved... "I had this
horrible feeling that it was going to bark!"

I'm singing bad 80's songs

I need to go to bed. It's 9am and I'm still awake, but I feel like I need to write, although my thoughts are so....unclear, I'm not sure what to say, or how to say it, and blah blah blah you get my drift, right?

Tonight was a kind of emotional night. A lot of shit went down, but I also saw a lot of things come out of my friends. A lot of emotional stuff that I didn't expect. I saw a lot of sides of a lot of people. It kind of showed me more of who they are.

This is so strange. I'm used to ending up with complete insufferable dicks. My boyfriend's not a complete insufferable dick, and I like that. It's so nice. Frank says I'd like him more if he was, but I'm tired of being with those people. I may not be a good person, and I've done some fucked up shit, but I am finally realizing I deserve to be in a good relationship with a good person.

This year has been very important to me. I have learned a lot of things about myself.
It's sort of been a turning point in my life. I've been working on my emotional health....physical health...mental health. I'm trying to make a lot of changes and put a lot of different energy out into the universe. Thus far, it's been working.

Fred and I watched a movie earlier...Honey, actually, where a kid says that there are some people that good things just don't happen to. But it's all about energy. Your energy...the energy you put into the universe...your intentions. It's all fucking connected, and people don't seem to grasp this concept.

We also watched True Romance. I fucking love that movie. Great cast. Great acting. Great plot...and dayummmmmmmm. Brad Pitt, AND Christopher Walken. I mean, c'mon...does it get any better?

Wait, yes, yes it does. Brad Pitt, Chris Walken, Johnny Depp, and Julian McMahon with a little Eliza Dushku and Angelina Jolie thrown in for good measure. I'd go to that movie in a fucking heart beat.

I happen to be a gorgeous alcoholic who likes bondage.

Find the first letter in your first name:

A-Beautiful
B-Christian
C-Pretty
D-Jewish
E-Gorgeous
F-Retarded
G-Boyish
H-Preppy
I-Girly
J-Gothic
K-Punky
L-Popular
M-Slutty
N-Gangster
O-Hot
P-Gay
Q-Sexy
R-Hot
S-Lesbian
T-Emo
U-Ugly
V-Wonderful
W-Geeky
X-Bitchy
Y-Under-appreciated
Z-Over-appreciated


Now the second letter in your last name:

A-Slut
B-Boy
C-Bitch
D-Obsesser
E-Sex machine
F-Retard
G-Geek
H-Jew
I-Girl
J-Goth
K-Nerd
L-Motherfucker
M-Beauty queen
N-Crackwhore
O-Whore
P-Punk
Q-Queen
R-Alcoholic
S-Asshole
T-Fucker
U-Princess
V-Jackass
W-Babe
X-Scaredy-cat
Y-Coward
Z-Chocoholic


Now What's Your Favorite Color:

Red- Who's Good With My Hands
Blue- Who Looks At Porn 24/7
Orange- Who Likes It In The Butt
Yellow- Who Wants To Have Sex With You
Green- Who Will Do Anything For Sex
Pink- Who Will Do Anything For Crack
Purple- Who Will Rock Your World
Black- Who Likes Bondage
White- Who Masturbates At Work


NOW THE NAME & STATEMENT = "I'm a __________________ ___________________ _____________"


Frank is a retarded sex machine who will do anything for sex.

Something I noticed, Frank's name begins with an F. So does Fred's. The second letter in Frank's last name is an E. Same with Fred's.

fucking emotions

I'm really not sure what to say right now. I just feel as though I should write. I awoke this morning to an IM from someone I hadn't talked to in a while. It was sweet. Talking about missing me. But at the same time, it made me horribly sad. In a lot of ways, I don't want to feel anything. It's very hard to think back on the situation and not feel sadness. I just felt so overwhelmed.

I was cleaning yesterday and found something I wrote about it years ago. Years and years ago. It's so.......wow.

I need to make some serious decisions about my life...about what's good for me, and what's good for my emotional health. I need to be a stronger person sometimes so things like this won't hurt so much.

heh

Teacher: Jeff, have you been copying Johnny's test again?

Jeff: Yes, but how did you know?

Teacher: On question #1, Johnny put down "I don't know" and
you put down "Me neither"

CD for Joe....

She Let herself go- George Strait, Best of my Love- The Eagles, One of these Nights- The Eagles, My Old Friend- Tim McGraw, Must be Doing Something Right- Billy Currington, Pickup Man- Joe Diffee, The Good Stuff- Kenny Chesney, Know three Times-Tony Orlando, The Night Chicago Died- Paper Lace, and Good to Go- Jason Aldean

hmmmmmmm can't lose this....that's why it's here.

sufi wisdom of the day

"Progress is life, Standing still is death."

Pir Inayat Khan

Why God Doesn't Have a PhD:


1. He has only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he
done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been very limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his
results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use
human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by
drowning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them
from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the
book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his
students failed his test.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a
mountaintop.
17. He's been known to associate with prostitutes.

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

Sloganize Yourself Bitches!

http://www.thesurrealist.co.uk/slogan.cgi?

Okay, so go there, type your name in, and hit sloganize. hehehe.

Some of the ones that I entered:

Elizabeth: "Make It An Elizabeth Night" (I fucking love that, and I'm keeping it lol)
Frank: "You can do it when you Frank it."
Fred: "Double the Pleasure, Double the Fred." (Fred got some interesting ones....all of which are perverse)
Danielle: "Get Danielle Or Get Out."
Katie: "Katie Tested, Mother Approved."
Jack: "You've Got Questions. We've Got Jack."
Cynthia: "Promise Her Anything, But Give Her Cynthia."
Sadie: "If You Want To Get Ahead, Get A Sadie."
Edward: "Feel The Raw Naked Edward Of The Road."
Greg: "Greg Is Good For You."
James: "The Loudest Noise Comes From The Electric James."
Ginny: "Splash Ginny All Over." (EW!)
Michael: "There's no Wrong Way to Eat a Michael." (double Ew!)
Richard: "Out Of The Strong Came Forth Richard."
Erick: "Every Kiss Begins With Erick."
Dale: "A Tough Dale to Follow."
Amy: "Beanz Meanz Amy."
Lory: "Lory Born and Bred."
Anne: "Probably The Best Anne In The World."
Ken: "I am Stuck on Ken, 'Cause Ken's Stuck on Me."
Joe: "Make Fun of Joe."
Grant: "Have a Grant and Smile."

Enough

Enough of these phrases,
Conceit and metaphors,
I want burning, burning, burning.

Mevlana Jalalu'ddin Rumi

"That's a lot of cows."

Here I am, sitting here grooving to Steely Dan (!), thinking about when I was living in Santa Fe and FORCED to listen to this all day because my boss had a very...uhm, dare I say, small world of music. I got stuck on thinking about how I was here this time last year visiting, and how I felt before I left, and how I felt when I got back. I mean, shit was fucking back in Santa Fe. A lot of really fucked up shit went down in the past 2.5-3 years, and I went here, and I just felt so much better.

So I moved back in July.

Yeah, I guess you could say I'm running from my problems. I've been doing pretty well. When the biggest problem is an emotionally and physically abusive relationship, how are you supposed to deal? Say you want to get away from said relationship and proceed to heal emotionally and mentally and yes, spiritually. How would you do it? Would you leave? I know I would. I did. When it didn't work out with drugs the first time around, I just up and left. Yeah, I think I'm running from my problems, but running from this problem, which may be the only solution to said problem, seems to be pretty fucking effective.

My confidence has grown. I've regained a lot of myself that I had lost. I got back a lot of the things that I had really needed, and I've been VERY, VERY open about my boundries, which is something else I had lost. I feel better. A lot better, being here. Sometimes though....sometimes I feel fucking guilty as all get out cause I kinda worked Eddie over as far as the legal shit goes. I mean, he's got probation for another 2 years or some shit because I had him arrested. I fucked up his life. I admit that. I feel pretty guilty about that too. I've been getting better...telling myself just to shut up, and move on. What's done is done, eh? I can't undo it, and I don't really want to talk to him long enough anymore to bother working shit out, like apologies from both of us.

So being guilty is just a waste of time.

I need to remember that, and it's hard.

Yeah, I'm not really working right now, and blah blah blah. "You're not doing anything with your life" blah blah blah, but all my progress has been internal, and I think that's very important.

I just sort of wish other people would take emotional and spiritual and mental health...healing, growth, as seriously as I do.

meh

Shit's been weird here lately. I'm not sure why entire, but it has been absolutely bizaare. Strannnnnnnge fucking energy, lemme tell you. Ups and downs...ups and more fucking downs. And I've noticed it's not just here here, but like HERE HERE.

I hope you'll excuse me. I know I'm not being exactly coherent here, and heaven help me try to form a cogent similie.... I don't even know for sure how long I've been awake, but it's been a strange day of notice-ments. (It's a new word bitches lol...noticements lmao)

So Saturday night, my dad picks me up. My bro happened to be chilling here too, and we went skating. Our usual Saturday night deal. Joe, of course, had to ditch me an hour into skating to go get some pussy from one of the local skanks. Well, before Joe leaves, I was doing couple skate with Dad like usual. We were just skating around and chatting and he says to me, "So I went to a party last night." and my jaw nearly hit the fucking floor. "Uhm....what?" "Yeah! I went to a party last night."

Now picture this, baldie Ken.....ya know "Dink"....60....fuck...how old is he? 60....uhm....fucking hell, he's almost 62. Okay, so picutre bald 62 year old dink skating around in a sweater, kinda baggy jeans, grooving to whatever song was on...and then take the same guy...and put him at a party where people have fun and alcohol.

It was fucking weird.

Anyway, back on track, "Yeah! I went to a party last night!" When I was done being amazed that my father not only has a social life but was able to drag the stupid cunt (otherwise known as my step mother) out of the house as well, I looked at him and said, "Excuse me. I'll be back shortly....I have to go pass a brick." Dad laughed, and said that one of his coworkers throws a Friday the 13th party everytime there's a Friday the 13th.

"Well dad, did you have fun?"
"Yeah, I had a great time. What did you do last night?"
"I went to a party last night."
"A Friday the 13th party too? What a coincidence!"
"No Dad....just a party party."

Joe walks-er, skates, into this conversation and says that he's going WITH my father to the next party. "Yeah Liz, I went through the calendar all the way to 2009 looking up Friday the 13th's. Did you know there isn't one in 2008?"

What with Friday the 13th happening to fall on the same day as a full moon, which puts us, I believe, in waning gibeous, all sorts of fucked up shit has been going on. Call me a hippie if you will. Or a gippy. I hear that one a lot. But that moon really changed the fucking energy around here, and it's been driving me kinda batty. I'm constantly restless. Some of my friends are doing less up and down shit that they had been previously doing for a couple months. Some of my other friends are being less fickle. One of my friends is being...dare I say, moody. And, shit, even my fish Loki has changed his ways. He's been a lot more fucking active and less responsive.

Okay, it's 6:45am. And there was a point to this rant when I started this rant, but there's no point now. I just lost it....I got sidetracked somewhere along the lines, and I have since derailed.

wtf

I don't fucking know what to do. The energy in this house right now is just totally fucked up, and driving me absolutely fucking crazzzzzzzzzzy. I need to get out. I need to go for a walk. I need to see Fred or something. I don't know, but being here is driving me nuts.