Thursday, May 11, 2006


Tuesday, May 09, 2006

The Mammogram

This is an x-ray that has its own name because no one wants to
actually say the word breast. Mammograms require your breasts
to do gymnastics. If you have extremely agile breasts, you
should do fine. Most breasts however, pretty much hang around
doing nothing in particular so they are woefully unprepared.
But you can prepare for a mammogram right at home using these
simple exercises:

1. Refrigerate two bookends overnight. Lay one of your breasts
(either will do) between the two bookends and smash the
bookends together as hard as you can. Repeat three times daily.

2. Locate a pasta maker or old wringer washer. Feed the breast
into the machine and start cranking. Repeat twice daily.

3. (Advanced) Situate yourself comfortably on your side on the
garage floor. Place one of your breasts snugly behind the rear
tire of the family van. When you give the signal, hubby will
slowly ease the car into reverse. Hold for five seconds. Repeat
on the other side.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

I was in the hospital on Friday. And Wednesday. But Friday is the time that upsets me the most. My doctor, Salle, was a fucking moron, and he should be shot.

In other news:

Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and
scientists can never earn as much as business executives and
sales people."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation
based on the following two postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time

And since: Knowledge = Power And: Time = Money , It is
therefore true that Knowledge = Work / Money Solving this
equation for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity,
regardless of the amount of Work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.


Man With Two Prosthetic Legs, Deaf Man Brawl After Meeting in a Indiana Bar
The Associated Press

VALPARAISO, Ind. - Two men who had driven around several towns for hours after meeting in a bar ended up fighting after one of the men couldn't communicate directions clearly to the driver.

Kent Hisey, 52, became frustrated by the difficulty of James Mills, who is deaf, in communicating directions, Valparaiso police said. They had driven from the Playboy Lounge in New Chicago to Portage, then Hobart where the 46-year-old Mills lives and finally to Valparaiso communities spread across two northwest Indiana counties about 30 miles southeast of Chicago.

Hisey, who has two prosthetic legs, stopped his car at the Porter County Airport, got out and used his walker to go around to the passenger side, where he grabbed Mills to pull him from the car, police said.

Mills allegedly pushed Hisey to the ground, causing him to hit his head.

Paramedics arrived Thursday about 1:30 a.m. to treat Hisey's lacerations and take him to Porter Hospital. Police wrote a note to Mills informing him he was being arrested on a battery charge.

Officers conducted a field sobriety test on Hisey. His blood-alcohol level registered 0.16 percent. Under Indiana law, the threshold for drunken driving is 0.08 percent.

Both Hisey and Mills were taken to the Porter County Jail, where they were being held Friday morning.

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