Happy Birthday
Jacob.
A few things need to be addressed in this post:
The house computer fucking blows. Fucking slow computer. Horrible! And the other day, two days ago, I think or yesterday, the weirdest thing happened. I was writing, and I had gotten out about 1,000 words or so, which was good, because for the first 15 minutes I was writing, I wrote a sentence, and I just kept staring at it with this blank "der" look on my face. So, anyway, I'm writing, and the computer spontaneously shuts down out of the blue. No warning, no need to shut down. Boom! It's gone. It won't turn on for a few minutes. It turns back on, and it has managed to uninstall programs like AIM and Microsoft Word.
Totally fucking bizarre.
Last night, I was at a friend's art studio. We got to talking about childhoods, and he said that yeah, he's creative and all that shit, but his childhood was spent hiding from this man who would come home and terrorize the family. Because of that, the turned towards creativity, and has kept himself kind of distant as a defense mechanism. "That's why I can walk away from a sell out show, and be like, 'So what?' " It occurred to me that I do that as well sometimes. Or I overcompensate and go the other direction. I can remain unattached from things as a way of keeping myself safe, and I usually don't even know I'm doing it. I can remain unattached from people, and situations. I frequently find myself thinking, "Eh...just a job..." or "whtaever" or something that makes whatever it is basically seem inconsiquential.
It's not so much about childhoods though. Everybody will try to protect themselves at some point or another. Everybody will learn how to close themselves off and keep themselves safe. But I learned this in childhood. A lot of my thinking has evolved into wanting to be left alone accept by those I care about and adore. After that, everybody needs to go away, because they are meaningless to me, and a waste of my time. I don't like it when somebody is fawning over me with compliments all the time. They seem fake. It take a lot for me to really open up to someone and let them close to me. I start slowly, and little by little, you get to know me better. At least that's how it seems. By the time I decide to open myself up, I have already figured out what the other person is like, and that itself dictates whether or not to let them into my life.
There was someone that I just used last year. December, to be exact. Plain and simple. He was a test. His purpose was to be a test. To show me something I thought I needed to know. I didn't let him in. I didn't give him the chance to hurt me, or the tools to hurt me. He couldn't hurt me emotionally if he tried.
That's probably why the test didn't work. He was going up against someone who has the tools to hurt me deeply. I simply didn't care about him as much as I cared about Edward. So I slept with him, hoping that it would help me figure out whether or not it was just about sex with Edward. First time didn't work, so I slept with him again, to no avial. I got my answer. I found out, for sure, beyond a doubt, that Edward and I had something beautiful. I was afraid to lose it, but I was afraid of it. I was afraid of our passions. So I tried to fall in love with this person...I thought I could, but I realized I couldn't. The whole while I was feeling guilty and dating both of them...dating Edward because I thought I would feel less guilty....but dating the other because I was trying to break my connection to Edward.
I was fucking stupid.
I was stupid, immature, self-involved, and self-absorbed.
