Thursday, March 16, 2006

sailed away on winters day
our fate is washing away the rain
it's funny to be the ones
to watch this from a distance
and being part of the mixture
when it sinks down
over the water
the nautical bouys look ever so tranquil
over the water
white tea and broken dreams
of misery transposed
comes to join the orange
pond of living perseverance


As you may have noticed, I redesigned my blog. I'm quite pleased with it. I am actually very pleased with it. I like the way it looks. It feels good too.

: Its beautiful, like poetry
squishedlizard: awe!
squishedlizard: thank you. ^_^
Stevious: ^_^ and I actually ment it! lol
squishedlizard: :-D
squishedlizard: I'm sending that to myself right now so I don't forget it.
squishedlizard: I'm going to quote you.
squishedlizard: did you see my disclaimer @ the bottom?
Stevious: I love it, seriously, this got me laughing "Just trying to keep it between the beacons"
squishedlizard: :-D

In other news, my boss is in communicado in Puetro Rico for 2 weeks. Lucky bastard. He told me they were doing changes, or things of the such, so the offices would be essentially shut down for 2 weeks. I figured he just didn't want to work. I was surprised when I found out he was actually taking a vacation. I have ways to get a hold of him, but only in the event of a *dire* emergency. Countries engaged in war and the such. I have no plans to bug him on vacation anyway. I know I'd be pissed if someone did that to me.

Mike and I got some movies today. He bought Crash, Sideways, and Penn & Teller's Bullshit. I bought After The Sunset and Confidence. - Two of my favourite movies. We watched Sideways tonight at his father's place. Mike had already watched it, and told me how good it was. That was a good movie actually. It was kind of funny, but really more than anything it was a dark sort of humor. A kind of "this-is-how-much-my-life-sucks" humor. What I liked about it is that Thomas Haden Church's character completely fucked up some shit in his head, and with this beautiful woman played by Sandra Oh. He completely ruined his best friend's vacation; cheated on his fiance, nearly left her at the alter, and really just fucked up everything nice and royally. It's a movie, so I was sitting there thinking that this is going to work out and everybody is going to be happy. Things get bad, and then they get worse. "Surely there is a turn around at some point. Surely there must be a point where things get happier." But no, that never came. It was good. My favourite part of the movie was the end. Not because it was over but because it did not have a happy ending. It was kind of a miserable ending. I liked it. It made me quite happy.

The Burn Collector by Al Burian came today. Great book so far. I'm really into it. It's like a mix of Ginsberg, Bukowski and Kerouac with a little bit of Hunter S. Thompson. He talks a lot about preoccupation with occupation and the little philosophies that escape us in our day-to-day lives. It's a collection of the first four years or so of Burn Collectors that he published himself; a zine in essence, is what it is.

I found it to be interesting that this book arrives at this point in my life. For about a week now I've been putting together a zine of my own. An e-zine, and I'm not entirely sure what it has to offer people yet aside from randomness and something to entertain themselves with. I suppose Necromancer Renting falls into the zine category as being a small, inexpensive, self-published, "underground publication." Necromancer Renting will be hitting the "shelves" in the next couple of days after some final editing is done.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Analyzing, for once in my life. Generally speaking, I dislike it when people analyze everything. Including, but not limited to, their life, and where they are at in their life. In my experience anyway it is horribly unproductive, and it hardly ever brings about change that is desired. But, to quote a dear friend, it's time for a serious reprisal of the whole situation.

I am not, by any means, where I expected to be in my life right now. But for some reason, that doesn't bother me. I believe that everything happens for a reason we may not see now...we may not understand. Everything leads to everything else. And there's no point in making a plan because plans go to shit anyway. I'm not very upset about where I am in my life...have I reached a state of acceptance? Am I just repressing what I truly feel? Have I turned on a "fuck this" attitude? Have I become apathetic?

I mean, seriously, I feel quite odd that I'm not more upset. I see a lot of friends of mine that are upset about where they are in their life in the grand year of 2006. It's like everybody had this grand scheme that they expected to work out, or at least hoped would work out, and when it didn't happen, they got upset. They got miserable. And it's the kind of thing that a lot of people I know just can't let go.

Am I weird for not being more upset about where I am, or more to the point, where I'm not? Or have I really just reached what I've been trying so hard to grasp? General acceptance. It might be apathy, it really might. Either way, it doesn't matter. Apathy, acceptance. *shrug* Same difference really. C'est la vie, ya know?

So what's wrong with me? Why have I reached this point, whatever it is? Why me? Why now? Why not someone else?

ha...right on

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Pretty Baby

I've realized that there is no ultimate goal of happiness. Happiness is not the goal we seek, but rather the process of seeking it. Life is something to be cherished, and valued. It should be valued even more by sharing it with someone dear. I've been very thankful to have such wonderful people in my life.

People think about their life...about where they are in their life, and get depressed. They think they will be happier once they have a better job, or a more stable living situation, or when their loved ones become more mature, or when they have more money, but this is not the case.

We make our lives. We make our moments. We choose how to spend our time and who with. What happens right now is what matters the most in life. Every choice, every decision has lead to this, has lead to now. We may not understand why things work out the way they do, or where they are going to lead. The trick is to accept this as a fact of life, and let it go.

If you're lucky enough to spend your time very limited time on this Earth with someone special, all the more power to you. Time waits for no one.

Happiness is not the outcome we're looking for, but rather the process of looking for it. As Ben Sweetland said, "Happiness is a journey, not a destination."


It's strange...ever since Scott died I keep remembering odd things about him. Like that he stood on Darwin's grave in London and that was one of his fondest moments.

Sometimes I get chills when I think about him. There's no point in regretting anything because all it would do is eat me away and make me sad, but just the same, it's kind of hard.

Sunday, March 12, 2006


So Ma says to Frank something along the lines of "So is Liz AC DC?" and he goes "No ma, that's a band." She was asking if I'm bi. She doesn't know. She doesn't need to know.