Thursday, July 29, 2004

I wish I was capable of expressing how I really feel. I wish I could express my emotions, thoughts, and serenety as if they a little pieces of hidden delight deep inside my soul.But I can't. I don't know how, and I have nobody that will listen to me.I cry, a lot. I feel as if I am incapable of being happy anymore. I want to grow, change, evolve. I want to wear the mask of hidden delight that I cherish so much, but I feel as though it is broken.

Current Mood: suicidal
Current Music: Jimmy Buffett - The Asshole Song

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Don't want your hand this time I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reach the bottom
I'm dying again

I have so much aggression...annoyances. Going back to my entry the other day, I am feeling very...sad, angry, anxious, lonely, smothered, and trapped...above all else. Trapped. I feel as if I am an animal in a cage at a zoo being poked at and prodded, hating every minute of it, yet unable to escape. I can only begin to express how this makes me feel. I'm a dreamer. I have all these dreams, goals, plans, and ideas...I have even gone so far as to plot out the best way to execute them, but I feel as though I can't. It's like there is a wall in front of me. A wall that I can't see...invisible to the naked eye...only a wall that can be felt. I want to run...fall...crash. I want to disappear for just a little while... a few hours even. I want to go away, but I can't because of all these random superficial, trivial, mundane, and relativly meaningless things keeping me in my place. I don't want a job. I don't want commitments. I don't want any of this. I just want to go Disappear. But I can't. It's not enough to be alone anymore. I can be with Lucid Dreamer, and be completely alone. I can be alone with Ethan, but not in the same way. I can't make myself go away around certain people, and it's killing me.

I constantly wonder what the best way to fall is. The best way to crash, and bring my whole little happy world down upon me.

Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: Evanessence - Bring Me To Life
My friend Asia is online, and I just confessed to her when I met her, I couldn't believe somebody named a girl after a continent. I said, "I instantly wanted to rush out and adopt a little girl, and name her Europe."

Asia: but guess whats even worse
Asia: i wasnt named after a continent.. i was named after a cat :-(

lmfao. As hard as I tried to contain myself, I just couldn't do it.

Oh god. I have weird friends.

Mike: but i would jump off a building
Mike: yeah
Mike: it was funny
Mike: i jumped off the second floor of the school
Mike: and they told me not to do it anymore
squishedlizard: lmfao

Current Mood: artistic
Current Music: Phish - Heavy Things

Monday, July 26, 2004

Okay...brief update...

I think I sprained / possibly broke my ankle at Diablo Canyon Thursday night.

I'm frusterated. Very frusterated. Not with my ankle alone. I feel trapped...alone...and smothered all at the same time. I feel like there is no hope for me. No salvation. I look off into the distance frequently at the horizon, and I wish I could just run. I wish I could run up into the mountains durring a thunderstorm and just stay there. But I can't. I'm trapped to superficial things. Superficial thoughts...superficial possessions. I am forever incapable of just running. There are all these other elements which come into play when discussing, or perhaps arguing with oneself, which the best way to fall is. The best way to crash. It rained the other night, and I walked with a dear friend. It was just a park, but I didn't feel quite so trapped. In the few moments when I walk, write in Starbucks, dream, and look at the scars on my throat, I am reminded of the fact that it just doesn't matter. But only in those few moments do I feel careful...sane...protected.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Tool - Stinkfist