Saturday, May 20, 2006

I spent my night restoring a photo for Nik - Mike's brother.


Tuesday, May 16, 2006


I cannot bring to light any of this which consumes me. As for myself, there is no other way, and the discoveries that I have made I will never be able to bring to light. How I wish I can share the eternity of what I have seen...and this strange eternity has seen me.

A glorious rain cloud has engulfed most of the east coast; rain and power outages have been moving up and down the Eastern sea board. This kind of weather always improves my mood. Something about the tranquility and beauty of the rain washing away every particle of dirt and grime. I used to go walking with J through the rain. we would go stand on the foot bridge under the trees and just talk. It's one of my fondest memories.

Yesterday Michael and I went walking through the rain. I felt this wonderful feeling of warmth over come me as I looked at him through the rain drops. We were just in the cemetary, taking flowers to his mom's grave for mother's day. I looked at him from the other side of the cemetary walking towards me, and he looked very beautiful.

Michael wonders why I'm with him. He doesn't seem to understand. The key to life is not having a significant other, but having a person you love who makes you want to be a better person...who makes you better than you already are. H look at Mike and I don't see someone who's 27 without a future, the way he speaks, but rather, I see the most beautiful person in my entire life. He makes me wish I was stronger, wiser, prettier, and healthier, but at the end of the day, when all is said and done, and we are lying down in bed, he looks at me and pulls me close and makes me feel like the luckiest woman in the world. I may not be the smartest person, or the prettiest, but when he wraps his arms around me and tells me he loves me, I am only reminded that I am truly blessed. My life is not exactly the best right now. I have this heart problem still. No income to speak of, and I can't go back to school. But I have Mike, and that makes all the difference in the world.

In other news, I've been writing a lot today. I wrote nearly 4,000 words on my story. I'm not entirely sure where it's going yet, but I have a good idea. Stories, I've found, don't follow the paths you wish them to take. They turn into their own being...their own essence comes shining through, and it's up to me to make it the brightest I can. I have apx 12,000 words. So I'm 1/10th of the way there. I think a good length is around 120,000 words.

I found this on my hard drive

Lead me not into temptation
And deliver my evil disregard
Redeem me of self-consumption
And look me in the eyes
As my first smashes the glass
On your picture
In a fit of passion
Unfit for public tears

Forgive me if my words are
Unorthodox but my mother
Used to tell me nobody would care
The early morning sun rises
In a fiery burst of anger
Eradicating the deep cerulean blue
Into a giant patchwork conformed.

The winds pick up, fiercely
Raging across the deserted mesa
A familiar scent of dragon pearls
And earl grey
Whip across the rocks
Waiting, reminding me
Of a poor little girl who will grow up
Without knowing her father

We wait for light
But behold darkness
Because without gloom
We would have no comparison
Moving mindlessly
You look for redemption
Of yourself
And your passions
With little to no regard
For the passions you fuel in others

But it will be alright,
She told you
“I will forgive you, my love.”
Drink the wine
For it is my blood
Eat this bread
For it is my flesh
But whatever you do,
Don’t surrender your heart to another
Bless me father
For I have sinned
I have lost track of the finer things
To be complimented
By Sherry or fine cheese
I have spent too much time lost
Wandering aimlessly through
Our vacant wicked garden

Let’s perambulate
In the catacombs
And envy those
Who came here before us
Let’s drink the Dragon Pearls
Dancing across the valley
Waiting for a broken heart
While standing in the midst
Of your bed of rain

And as I walk through the valley
Of death I shall fear no evil
For consumption smothers my fear
And entangles my passionate
Dreams never written
And words never spoken
Which enrage me when I think of you
You know how much I cared
I cared enough to drink the wine

Your quill pen covered me
With words of apathetic lust
But now I disown this
All of me
All of you
Alas you possess my truth

Those of us who choose darkness
Have, yet, seen light
Among the strong,
We are like the dead
Give us this day
Give me my day
For there is no justice
And there are no morals
Just jasmine studded raindrops
Glistening in the snow
Or would you rather bathe?
With the red violin
In your bed of rain
You have set me down to die
And I fear that this is not the end
Death’s boatman accepts no bribes
I asked you to set her free

Suffering produces endurance
And endurance produces character
But where was your character
When you looked me in the eyes?
When you felt my heart?
The mind is everything
You told me
“What you think, you become”
But if I were to not be punished for my anger
But by my anger, where would we stand
In the deep diamond studded sky?

Would you still say
There is nothing better than
Where we stand in this moment?

Forgive my trespasses
And forgive those
Who wander aimlessly
Dwelling in compassionate apathy
Deliver me from my blood red sins
And lead me not into self-consumption