"That's a lot of cows."
Here I am, sitting here grooving to Steely Dan (!), thinking about when I was living in Santa Fe and FORCED to listen to this all day because my boss had a very...uhm, dare I say, small world of music. I got stuck on thinking about how I was here this time last year visiting, and how I felt before I left, and how I felt when I got back. I mean, shit was fucking back in Santa Fe. A lot of really fucked up shit went down in the past 2.5-3 years, and I went here, and I just felt so much better.
So I moved back in July.
Yeah, I guess you could say I'm running from my problems. I've been doing pretty well. When the biggest problem is an emotionally and physically abusive relationship, how are you supposed to deal? Say you want to get away from said relationship and proceed to heal emotionally and mentally and yes, spiritually. How would you do it? Would you leave? I know I would. I did. When it didn't work out with drugs the first time around, I just up and left. Yeah, I think I'm running from my problems, but running from this problem, which may be the only solution to said problem, seems to be pretty fucking effective.
My confidence has grown. I've regained a lot of myself that I had lost. I got back a lot of the things that I had really needed, and I've been VERY, VERY open about my boundries, which is something else I had lost. I feel better. A lot better, being here. Sometimes though....sometimes I feel fucking guilty as all get out cause I kinda worked Eddie over as far as the legal shit goes. I mean, he's got probation for another 2 years or some shit because I had him arrested. I fucked up his life. I admit that. I feel pretty guilty about that too. I've been getting better...telling myself just to shut up, and move on. What's done is done, eh? I can't undo it, and I don't really want to talk to him long enough anymore to bother working shit out, like apologies from both of us.
So being guilty is just a waste of time.
I need to remember that, and it's hard.
Yeah, I'm not really working right now, and blah blah blah. "You're not doing anything with your life" blah blah blah, but all my progress has been internal, and I think that's very important.
I just sort of wish other people would take emotional and spiritual and mental health...healing, growth, as seriously as I do.
So I moved back in July.
Yeah, I guess you could say I'm running from my problems. I've been doing pretty well. When the biggest problem is an emotionally and physically abusive relationship, how are you supposed to deal? Say you want to get away from said relationship and proceed to heal emotionally and mentally and yes, spiritually. How would you do it? Would you leave? I know I would. I did. When it didn't work out with drugs the first time around, I just up and left. Yeah, I think I'm running from my problems, but running from this problem, which may be the only solution to said problem, seems to be pretty fucking effective.
My confidence has grown. I've regained a lot of myself that I had lost. I got back a lot of the things that I had really needed, and I've been VERY, VERY open about my boundries, which is something else I had lost. I feel better. A lot better, being here. Sometimes though....sometimes I feel fucking guilty as all get out cause I kinda worked Eddie over as far as the legal shit goes. I mean, he's got probation for another 2 years or some shit because I had him arrested. I fucked up his life. I admit that. I feel pretty guilty about that too. I've been getting better...telling myself just to shut up, and move on. What's done is done, eh? I can't undo it, and I don't really want to talk to him long enough anymore to bother working shit out, like apologies from both of us.
So being guilty is just a waste of time.
I need to remember that, and it's hard.
Yeah, I'm not really working right now, and blah blah blah. "You're not doing anything with your life" blah blah blah, but all my progress has been internal, and I think that's very important.
I just sort of wish other people would take emotional and spiritual and mental health...healing, growth, as seriously as I do.
posted by squishedlizard at 6:55 AM
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