Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Don't want your hand this time I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reach the bottom
I'm dying again

I have so much aggression...annoyances. Going back to my entry the other day, I am feeling very...sad, angry, anxious, lonely, smothered, and trapped...above all else. Trapped. I feel as if I am an animal in a cage at a zoo being poked at and prodded, hating every minute of it, yet unable to escape. I can only begin to express how this makes me feel. I'm a dreamer. I have all these dreams, goals, plans, and ideas...I have even gone so far as to plot out the best way to execute them, but I feel as though I can't. It's like there is a wall in front of me. A wall that I can't see...invisible to the naked eye...only a wall that can be felt. I want to run...fall...crash. I want to disappear for just a little while... a few hours even. I want to go away, but I can't because of all these random superficial, trivial, mundane, and relativly meaningless things keeping me in my place. I don't want a job. I don't want commitments. I don't want any of this. I just want to go away...run. Disappear. But I can't. It's not enough to be alone anymore. I can be with Lucid Dreamer, and be completely alone. I can be alone with Ethan, but not in the same way. I can't make myself go away around certain people, and it's killing me.

I constantly wonder what the best way to fall is. The best way to crash, and bring my whole little happy world down upon me.

Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: Evanessence - Bring Me To Life

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