How to put on a condom

Step 1: Suck it up, and go into the store.
Step 2: When you get to the condom aisle, swallow your pride. Do not buy “magnum” unless you really deserve that title.
Step 3: When you get to the counter, do not lie to the clerk. Do not buy Jello and try to make it look like a joke. Take pride in the fact that you’re buying condoms because if you’ve gotten this far, odds are, you’re going to get laid.
Step 4: After you’ve purchased the condoms, and invariably hit on the cute clerk behind the counter, proceed to get into your car, and go to the location of your soon-to-be sexual encounter.
Step 5: Find your partner, (preferably a human partner, but hey, I’m not passing judgment) and begin whatever foreplay that might be necessary for you to be able to get it up.
Step 6: Pull your penis out of your pants. Make sure you’re hard, otherwise this won’t work.
Step 7: Take the condom out of the wrapper without ripping the condom. If you do rip it, you may find it necessary to go back to step 1.
Step 8: Hold the tip of the condom to squeeze out the excess air, and put it on your penis.
Step 9: Roll the condom down until you see the expiration date at the bottom of the roll. If you are not that large, however, roll the condom down until your penis is covered.
Step 10: Mind stray pubic hair as it may prove to be painful if you manage to get one caught in the condom.