whoa

I went to K-Mart earlier. Looking for a lamp to replace mine as it keeps blowing bulbs. I get back and GG tells me that Edward called. Edward wasn't calling to argue. Actually he was calling to tell me that someone I know died. Scott. I just....I can't believe it. I'm stunned. We were actually kind of close. I know all these things about him. Dreams, feelings, thoughts. Perspectives. He was hiking and died of an unknown heart problem.

I want to call him...or email him...or just go philosophise over coffee with him like we used to do. Probably because I know that I can't.

I know it's selfish to cry when someone dies. My tears aren't for Scott. They're for me because I feel as though there's a void now....an emptiness that wasn't there before. I'm crying out of pity for myself...because of what I feel I lost. It's quite selfish, I know.

Scott wasn't much older than me. He's only 24. He's a baby. It really puts your own mortality into perspective when someone so close to you emotionally and someone so close to your age dies. He was a healthy person...well apparently not *that* healthy. But still. I honestly wonder if it wasn't the drugs that did him in. He was always doing something. Last time we talked he was popping oxy. He loved to do drugs and then go hiking. He wanted to take me to Zion. Shit went down, and we never went...I kind of wish we did.

He was accepted to a university in Scotland and planned on moving there this year. Majoring in theology. That was his dream as long as I've known him. He wanted so much to know what happened next. I guess now he knows.