Last day of winter

My operation is in 2 weeks. The closer it gets the more nervous I become. Most of you will say this is normal, but not that kind of nervous. I don't really care so much about having it done. I'm used to my heart problem. But I am really tired of being a burden to my loved ones. I've been troubling my family and friends for nearly 20 years with this heart problem and I am tired of it.

As far as my nervousness is concerned, I am worried that my heart will only become a bigger problem if the operation doesn't work out and makes my condition worse. Then I will become an even bigger burden. I'm not worried about the proceedure itself. I'll be out cold. It'll be harder on my mom, and Mike than it will be on me. They'll be waiting for me. Should I die, it won't really bother me. I mean, really. I'm dead. How will I know? My loved ones will be crushed, and I'm terrified of hurting the people I care about even more than I already have.

I had a talk with Mike about this the other day. He told me how I'm not a burden, and not to feel bad. It was good to hear that. I needed to hear that. I'm so terrified of making everybody elses life harder.