Monday, March 20, 2006

First day of spring

I'm so tired....so incredibly tired of feeling this way. I feel generally worthless because of my heart problem. I feel miserable, and worthless. It hurts people around me. It sucks to deal with, but I can deal with it. It's seeing everybody else worry about me, and fret over me that makes it so difficult.

I've spent so many years just feeling awful and worthless. I can't even remember how many times I was told I am worthless because I can't even go out and get a "real job" because of my heart condition. I hate not being able to walk upstairs without blacking out. I don't even tell people half the time my heart hurts because I don't want them worrying. I only tell them when it gets worse than usual. When it's really bad is when I go to the hospital. I am so tired of being weak because of this...I'm so tired of causing pain to other people because of this. I just want it to go away. Or for me to go away. If I were a stronger person, I could just suck up and deal. I know I could. But I'm not that strong...I'm weak. Especially phsycially, and this is just reaffirming that.

I had a long talk w/ Mike as I said....I'm not a burden according to him...but it's so hard to remind myself of this when I have been hurting people for years because of my fucking heart.

At least if I get this operation done, I'll be fixed. I'll be better. I'll be, to put it in Frank terms, Liz 2.0.

And furthermore, I'm entirely too nice and entirely too conflicted over assholes who don't deserve a moment of my attention. I need to seriously be strong. I need to stop being massochistic and block the people that make me feel horrible and weak. I really do. I feel guilty for the way I've treated said people, and this is not how I prefer things to work out. I'd rather be nicer, and just drift apart. I hate being guilt ridden for being a bitch. I hear voices saying not to be guilty, but at the same time, I have a really short fuse lately and almost zero tolerance for bullshit. If the way I feel talking to someone makes me feel badly for whatever reason, I shouldn't talk to them. I know this...I need to start acting on this.

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