Few days update

Well, Fred and I are honest and truly no more. It's for the better...it really is. Towards the end, about the last month, it's felt like a chore instead of a "relationship" (such as it was). I absolutely adore him. I really do, but this really isn't a good place for us to be together. I have confidence that we will remain friends. It's kind of hard though because I do genuinly care about him....I'm sure, on some level, that I just closed myself off towards the whole situation emotionally because subconsiously I thought he'd undoubtly hurt me.

In other news, Mike's grandfather died, and I've been spending a lot of time with him doing the emotional support thing. He hasn't said it, but I can tell things have been kind of hard for him, and he needs all the support he can get.

It's kind of hard for me to be giving other people emotional support when I've had a hard enough time dealing with my own issues lately. My heart situation is really difficult for me to deal with right now. What with being hospitalized and potentially needing surgery. I go see the cardiologist in the morning and we'll figure things out from there.

I hope to remain positive. I've been doing pretty good so far. I have faith that everything will work out exactly as it should. I've done some fucked up things in my life, but I wouldn't change a thing. Every decision has led me to this; has led to now. It all taught me something valuable. If this problem with my heart can give me strength and teach me something, I have faith in myself to endure the journey. I am strong and resiliant. I shall be fine.

I was thinking on it yesterday and I'm really not afraid to die. I mean, shit, what do I have to be afraid of? As far as I can tell, once I die, it'll be over. Not much to be scared of there. But I am really scared of hurting the people I care about. Or making them worry. I don't want to be in the hospital, or have any health problems that would cause a burden for the people I love. I am scared of my death causing people pain. But unless I completely close myself off from the world and society as I know it, that's inevitable.

I've come to terms with the fact that if things with my heart go ary, it is out of my control, ultimately. This problem I have is midly life-threatening. Everything happens for a reason, and there are forces at work here that are beyond me. All I can do is continue to have the strength to endure; not to give up, and not to take the easy way out. Whatever happens tomorrow...whatever we decide, is ultimately for the better, and all I, or anybody else can do, is remain aware of the fact that everything has a greater purpose that we may not yet understand.