Bouncing Bovine - Lesson 6

I'm feeling very poetic tonight.

I don't know why, but sometimes, I feel almost trapped...lost...

I feel like I've been wandering for years, and years, and years. In a way, I suppose I have. I'm figuring out who I already am. I'm not developing. I'm discovering. I'm hunting. "Searching is half the fun: life is much more manageable when thought of as a scavenger hunt as opposed to a surprise party."

I'm trying to keep my balance. I'm trying to keep my perspective. I have found the "fucking silver lining." But sometimes, today, it's been hard. I'm coping. But it's been harder today than other days. People know that I've been dealing with a lot of emotional shit, but I'm not sure how many people understand that I'm coping with my self destructive nature.

I'm lucky I have expression. I am lucky I can express. The urge to scream, and expose my soul is overwhelming sometimes, and I think if I didn't express, I should implode. I'm trying to get over this dark time in my life, where everything was sad, and depressing, and dark. I find myself wondering if I can get over it. x MAYbe I can't. Maybe it's part of who I am. Maybe I need to be depressed to create.

I have noticed I am not painting, and I am barely writing any poetry now that I am happier. But I don't want to be like Edmund, and tell the people closest to me...the people that make me happy, that I can't be near them because when I am happy, I lose my expression. I'm trying to focus on this. I am trying to change this about myself. It's not healthy, and I know it. But these things don't come so easily.

And this is something you don't get prepared for early in life. Parents don't teach you how to cope with not expressing because you're happy. Parents don't teach you what to do when you are happy and no longer have the motivation, or inspiration, to paint. They don't teach you that in college. They don't teach you that in art school.

Where do you get your inspiration? Does it come out of misery, or does it come out of happiness? How do you find the balance in your life? Everything is about balance. You need misery to appreciate happiness. You need hatred to appreciate love, but how do you find the balance between misery and happiness, that will still allow you to create, and love adequately? Is there this balance?

Maybe that is what I have been searching for. The balance that will allow me to be content, and creative. I seem to be incapable of being creative if I'm happy.

Show me yours, and I'll show you mine.

I'm not bouncing on a bubble under the summer sun, and I'm only here because I feel compelled. I don't have to be here, but I feel like I should be here. I'm not swinging alone in the wind anymore. It seems almost as though I have found my feet.

I'm trying to keep it in focus, and I'm trying to find my happy balance. I'm just trying to keep it between the navigational beacons...