Bouncing Bovine - Lesson 4

for·ti·tude ( P ) Pronunciation Key (fôrt-td, -tyd)n.

• Strength of mind that allows one to endure pain or adversity with courage.

strength ( Pronunciation Key (strngkth, strngth, strnth)
n.

1. The state, property, or quality of being strong.
2. The power to resist attack; impregnability.
3. The power to resist strain or stress; durability.
4. The ability to maintain a moral or intellectual position firmly.
5. Capacity or potential for effective action: a show of strength.
6. 1. The number of people constituting a normal or ideal organization: The police force has been at half strength since the budget cuts.
   2. Military capability in terms of personnel and materiel: an army of fearsome strength.
7. 1. A source of power or force.
   2. One that is regarded as the embodiment of protective or supportive power; a support or mainstay.
   3. An attribute or quality of particular worth or utility; an asset.
8. Degree of intensity, force, effectiveness, or potency in terms of a particular property, as:
   1. Degree of concentration, distillation, or saturation; potency.
   2. Operative effectiveness or potency.
   3. Intensity, as of sound or light.
   4. Intensity or vehemence, as of emotion or language.
9. Effective or binding force; efficacy: the strength of an argument.
10. Firmness of or a continuous rising tendency in prices, as on the stock market.
11. Games. Power derived from the value of playing cards held.

Sometimes I wonder what it is exactly I am striving for. Am I searching strength? Am I searching for strength? Am I searching for fortitude? Strength of mind which allows one to endure pain with courage? What am I looking for? Peace of mind seems to be too much to ask for. Especially here, especially now, at this point in my life.

Am I looking for strength, or do I have too much of it? Or do I not have enough? Sometimes, I wonder where I get my strength. I know I have strength. My strength is the only way I can keep myself going sometimes. It's the only way I can...simply be. It's hard, sometimes, to be, with out being consumed. A dear person in my life told me once, "Don't be consumed, Liz." --It keeps playing, over and over and over in my head. I know I am not free of consumption, but sometimes I wonder if it's the only reason I try not to be consumed... because I have strength.

Strength is a funny thing, I think. At least mine is. There have been some hard things to endure over the course of my life. My life has been far from normal. I wish my biggest problem would be homework, or sitting around with friends, wondering what tv show to watch. But it's not like that. It can't be like that. Not for me. That's not the way of it, it seems. I have one friend who asks me "so what's the new Liz drama?" and another friend who says "Two words: Lifetime Movie" when I see him. When I'm trying to be strong, or when I think I need to be strong, I suppose is a better way to put it, things don't seem to phase me. "Oh my God! How terrible" and I just think "Eh. C'est la vie."

Is that good? Is that a good thing for me to do? I'm not asking myself. I'm asking you.

If I could only figure out what it is I want, and what it is I am looking for, maybe I would have a destination.