Your whole life is about discovering who you already are, or at least that's what they say. Education can be a beautiful thing, but they don't teach you this in school. They don't teach you this at the State University of New York - School of engineering and technology.
Plato says there are some people, (the lucky few it would seem) who have already lived, and they have already learned life's lessons. It seems people like that already have some sort of divine and profound wisdom to offer the world. But this too goes untaught.
And while your literature professor Bob Albrecht touched your life in more ways than you know, he never taught you how to figure out who you already are, but maybe something even better. While everybody else was saying the events in your life shape you, and turn you into who you are destined to become, Albrecht was teaching you how to open the doors, and allow yourself to be exposed.
About 2 years ago, someone walked into my life, and opened one door after another. One heavy oak door at a time, and I was exposed to various parts of my soul that I was totally unaware of. Dormant, almost....Like a bear in hibernation, mayhaps. Parts of my personality came rushing out in a flood.
I needed him in my life; I needed to see anger, and irrational thinking. It was one of the hardest parts of my life, and I needed it. I needed to feel stuck, as I did for so long. I felt as though there was no escape, and no hope for me just because I was in a relationship that had become both emotionally abusive, and emotionally dependent. - This is not just his fault. I take blame here as well.
An amazing thing happened when we got into our last big argument, and I called the police. I FELT BETTER. I felt as though there was hope for me...I felt as though I wasn't stuck. I felt as though I had options...Like I could break off the relationship, and not get murdered. I have been terrified of breaking off the relationship. Partly because I thought I'd get hurt, and partly because I would miss him.
They don't teach you this shit in college. 6 years, 2 schools, 2 time zones, split across 1 brain, and you still don't learn how to deal with the emotions of others. Experience goes a long way; your entire life isn't dictated by how much time you spend at a university.
I wish I remembered when exactly I entered this dark place. Or that dark place, as it is now past tense. I think we all go there at one point in our life. Better I go there young, than old. My dark place was kind of scary. I was always thinking of suicide, and I was messing around with black magik. I even cut my wrists several times. And it was never a suicide attempt, or a cry for help. It was punishment. I had entered a place psychologically that was so beyond fucked up, I thought I was a bad person. I thought I was inferior, and I *needed* to be punished. Nobody would do it, so I did it myself.
The way I was feeling was totally, and completely absurd in every way, shape and form. I felt like what was going on with us could only be treated, or cured, or fought by...whatever, by punishing myself. It is absurd to blame your actions on others. "You drive me to drink." "You make me cut my wrists." --I think we all do this at one point or another. I have learned it is wrong to say that, but rather, say "You make me feel..." or "Your actions make me feel...." We are all in control of our decisions, and resonably in control of our faculties.
I provoked him, and he provokes me. The instant, however, that anybody raises a violent hand, the situation becomes disrespectful. We got past the point where excuses could be made. Reasons are one thing, but excuses enter the realm of manipulation, and this itself is a reason to end the relationship. We both started being jealous, and possessive, and it should have ended.
I don't know what his reasons were for continuing a relationship with me, or trying to, but as for me.... I thought if I was good, if I was there, and if I was tolerant, and compassionate, our relationship would change. He would change....he would work through his issues, and become happy. I thought if I couldn't do that, I was a failure, so I kept trying, and trying, and trying, because that's what I thought was required.
The more I tried, the more I failed, and consequently, the more I cut my wrists, got trashed, smoked pot, and did hydrocodone and coke. He didn't make me; my actions were my own decisions. It was my way of coping with my failure. My self destruction was my way of coping. It was my punishment. I ran around, lied, fucked up my life, and my relationship more than it already was, purely because I thought I deserved to be punished for not being a good enough person.
They don't teach you how to cope in college. They don't teach you how to say the right words, or think the right thoughts, or feel the correct emotion to keep you sane, normal, and in check. They don't teach you how to love, or be loved willingly. And they don't teach you how to deal with the misery of another person...even, and especially if you didn't cause said misery.
Currently Playing
John Anderson - Greatest Hits [BNA]
By John Anderson
see related
Plato says there are some people, (the lucky few it would seem) who have already lived, and they have already learned life's lessons. It seems people like that already have some sort of divine and profound wisdom to offer the world. But this too goes untaught.
And while your literature professor Bob Albrecht touched your life in more ways than you know, he never taught you how to figure out who you already are, but maybe something even better. While everybody else was saying the events in your life shape you, and turn you into who you are destined to become, Albrecht was teaching you how to open the doors, and allow yourself to be exposed.
About 2 years ago, someone walked into my life, and opened one door after another. One heavy oak door at a time, and I was exposed to various parts of my soul that I was totally unaware of. Dormant, almost....Like a bear in hibernation, mayhaps. Parts of my personality came rushing out in a flood.
I needed him in my life; I needed to see anger, and irrational thinking. It was one of the hardest parts of my life, and I needed it. I needed to feel stuck, as I did for so long. I felt as though there was no escape, and no hope for me just because I was in a relationship that had become both emotionally abusive, and emotionally dependent. - This is not just his fault. I take blame here as well.
An amazing thing happened when we got into our last big argument, and I called the police. I FELT BETTER. I felt as though there was hope for me...I felt as though I wasn't stuck. I felt as though I had options...Like I could break off the relationship, and not get murdered. I have been terrified of breaking off the relationship. Partly because I thought I'd get hurt, and partly because I would miss him.
They don't teach you this shit in college. 6 years, 2 schools, 2 time zones, split across 1 brain, and you still don't learn how to deal with the emotions of others. Experience goes a long way; your entire life isn't dictated by how much time you spend at a university.
I wish I remembered when exactly I entered this dark place. Or that dark place, as it is now past tense. I think we all go there at one point in our life. Better I go there young, than old. My dark place was kind of scary. I was always thinking of suicide, and I was messing around with black magik. I even cut my wrists several times. And it was never a suicide attempt, or a cry for help. It was punishment. I had entered a place psychologically that was so beyond fucked up, I thought I was a bad person. I thought I was inferior, and I *needed* to be punished. Nobody would do it, so I did it myself.
The way I was feeling was totally, and completely absurd in every way, shape and form. I felt like what was going on with us could only be treated, or cured, or fought by...whatever, by punishing myself. It is absurd to blame your actions on others. "You drive me to drink." "You make me cut my wrists." --I think we all do this at one point or another. I have learned it is wrong to say that, but rather, say "You make me feel..." or "Your actions make me feel...." We are all in control of our decisions, and resonably in control of our faculties.
I provoked him, and he provokes me. The instant, however, that anybody raises a violent hand, the situation becomes disrespectful. We got past the point where excuses could be made. Reasons are one thing, but excuses enter the realm of manipulation, and this itself is a reason to end the relationship. We both started being jealous, and possessive, and it should have ended.
I don't know what his reasons were for continuing a relationship with me, or trying to, but as for me.... I thought if I was good, if I was there, and if I was tolerant, and compassionate, our relationship would change. He would change....he would work through his issues, and become happy. I thought if I couldn't do that, I was a failure, so I kept trying, and trying, and trying, because that's what I thought was required.
The more I tried, the more I failed, and consequently, the more I cut my wrists, got trashed, smoked pot, and did hydrocodone and coke. He didn't make me; my actions were my own decisions. It was my way of coping with my failure. My self destruction was my way of coping. It was my punishment. I ran around, lied, fucked up my life, and my relationship more than it already was, purely because I thought I deserved to be punished for not being a good enough person.
They don't teach you how to cope in college. They don't teach you how to say the right words, or think the right thoughts, or feel the correct emotion to keep you sane, normal, and in check. They don't teach you how to love, or be loved willingly. And they don't teach you how to deal with the misery of another person...even, and especially if you didn't cause said misery.
Currently Playing
John Anderson - Greatest Hits [BNA]
By John Anderson
see related
posted by squishedlizard at 2:50 AM
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