Steve's Away Message:
"Holy Lizard, Batman!"
"What about the Lizard, Robin?"
"The, The Lizard.. she's holy."
"You have much to learn, young Birdawan, for this here Scaley Obsession is but Squished."
"What was that, Old Man? I was trying to sleep."
"...Kids..."
Ah, Steveous.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's amazing how much self-doubt has come into play recently. I have some really honest and truly good people in my life, but it seems that for every good person in my life, I have 3 icky people/assholes/creeps etc. I seem to attract the weirdest people...truly fucked up people who lecture me about my life choices, when they have no right to do so in light of THEIR own fucked up life, ego, and past. I wonder what's wrong with me to attract such fucked up people. People seem to take pleasure in hurting me. Why is that? What is it about me? Am I too nice? Too shallow? Too deep? Too desireable? I've noticed that men get weird around me, and violent tendancies pop out when they fall in love with me, and can't have me. "If I can't have you, I don't want anybody to have you." Irrational, unpredictable, enouragable, and jealous. Jealous is one thing given the circumstances. Everybody gets jealous, even I get jealous and disgrunteled, but not obsessivly jealous; That is something entirely different.
People...consumption...
I was told earlier that I am really free... which is something I know on a subconcious level, but I don't believe it. Or I didn't. I have...I have been doing a lot of thinking earlier, and it makes sense. I believe it now. It's funny how I need somebody else to tell me something like that, for me to actually believe it when I've *known* it for such a long time. I can just walk away...so what's keeping me here? An illusion? The illusion of need and want. Desires are never an illusion. And desires have also never disillusioned me. I desire a lot...contentness, serenity, happiness even, gloomy rainy days, trees, mountains, expression, and I have been known to desire people. (Yeah, go figure... me desire someone..... ) But needs are something different. I can convince myself I need something, or someone. I can convince myself that I need to work a shitty job, for a shitty boss, for a shitty company, in a shitty office, for a shitty paycheck, with shitty people....
See the problem?
YOU CAN'T SEE ME!!!
Currently Playing
Around the Fur
By Deftones
MX
"Holy Lizard, Batman!"
"What about the Lizard, Robin?"
"The, The Lizard.. she's holy."
"You have much to learn, young Birdawan, for this here Scaley Obsession is but Squished."
"What was that, Old Man? I was trying to sleep."
"...Kids..."
Ah, Steveous.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's amazing how much self-doubt has come into play recently. I have some really honest and truly good people in my life, but it seems that for every good person in my life, I have 3 icky people/assholes/creeps etc. I seem to attract the weirdest people...truly fucked up people who lecture me about my life choices, when they have no right to do so in light of THEIR own fucked up life, ego, and past. I wonder what's wrong with me to attract such fucked up people. People seem to take pleasure in hurting me. Why is that? What is it about me? Am I too nice? Too shallow? Too deep? Too desireable? I've noticed that men get weird around me, and violent tendancies pop out when they fall in love with me, and can't have me. "If I can't have you, I don't want anybody to have you." Irrational, unpredictable, enouragable, and jealous. Jealous is one thing given the circumstances. Everybody gets jealous, even I get jealous and disgrunteled, but not obsessivly jealous; That is something entirely different.
People...consumption...
I was told earlier that I am really free... which is something I know on a subconcious level, but I don't believe it. Or I didn't. I have...I have been doing a lot of thinking earlier, and it makes sense. I believe it now. It's funny how I need somebody else to tell me something like that, for me to actually believe it when I've *known* it for such a long time. I can just walk away...so what's keeping me here? An illusion? The illusion of need and want. Desires are never an illusion. And desires have also never disillusioned me. I desire a lot...contentness, serenity, happiness even, gloomy rainy days, trees, mountains, expression, and I have been known to desire people. (Yeah, go figure... me desire someone..... ) But needs are something different. I can convince myself I need something, or someone. I can convince myself that I need to work a shitty job, for a shitty boss, for a shitty company, in a shitty office, for a shitty paycheck, with shitty people....
See the problem?
YOU CAN'T SEE ME!!!
Currently Playing
Around the Fur
By Deftones
MX
posted by squishedlizard at 12:25 AM
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