Wednesday, September 15, 2004

I'm goin' under
I'm sufficating
I'm drowning but I'm holding on
What keeps me breathing
Don't have an answer
I'm drowning but I won't let go
~Stone Temple Pilots

I am lost, as always, yet strangly content. I'm happy, and peaceful. As peaceful as I ever become. It started a while ago, I guess. My searching. When I started searching, and when I became obsessed with searching. I discovered a part of my self. I thought I was losing myself, but in all actuality, I am losing the sense of self that I once had. Not who I really am. I can never lose that. I can never walk away, as much as I want to, and as much as I long to, I can never go away. There is something keeping me in my place; something holding me here. Something I can't see, but only feel. I can feel this presence looming over me every waking moment, and at night, I will sometimes snap awake and feel it above me, watching, waiting. Yet nothing happens. No pain.

I have felt myself searching, longing passionately, wandering aimlessly through this abyss of perambulations. I hope, and pray for some contentness, serenity, and peace of mind. I am constantly searching for the path through the forest, the light in the absence of none. I am utterly, and completely lonely. I find myself searching for the void, a way to fill the gap, a way to fullfill me, a way to die, a way to crawl and release the strands, the straps, the content manifest that is holding me here.

It washes up over me, this feeling does. It smothers me, and releases pressure, and opens my doors, and valves the way nothing else ever shall. I find myself searching for answers, compassion, and an understanding soul. While I feel this is what I need to be doing, I find myself rejoycing when that person, when that feeling, when the ultimate understanding, doesn't come. Then every once in a while, I'll get the happiness. I'll get the serenity. My passions will come pouring out of me, splashing on soft shoulders, and a fiery heart. It will leave me, wandering, and wondering, if I am just contentness manifested. I long to be your conteness manifested.

I surrendered myself a long time ago. I let myself go. I let myself wander, and fall, and crash. I let myself be pulled towards the edge of eternity, towards the edge of perfectionless apathy and lucid roses. I disowned myself. Gave it up. I gave myself up. I let the clouds deliver me from evil, deliver me from serenity; deliver me in a bundle of rain, only to fall, bare, bound, hopeless, on the ground surrounded by forgotten serenity... I surrendered, the way I do so well. I let it go, the way I fall, and weep, and whisper noislessly. It came to me.


Currently Playing: Great - In The Mood

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