Enduring Echoes [SquishedLizard]

Oh, this is new

2007-06-01T04:37:00.000-04:00

My blog is now over at wordpress.com - Or at least my archives are. http://squishedlizard.wordpress.com A more up-to-date blog is over at myspace. http://www.blog.myspace.com/lizziechan

I downright HATE the MySpace blog feature. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. I like to have more customization features than they provide. However, I will admit, I do very much like the fact that people can "subscribe" to my blog and get an email when I have updated without me having to do that dreadful email push.

Check it out. Or don't.

Eventually, I will get Mushroom Porn off the ground again.

I'm in the middle of redesigning www.squishedlizard.net - No point in going there now, it's not up. A notification will be sent to email and bulletin and blog on myspace when my design is finished if you would like to check there.

Cheers,
~Lizisha

My favourite Bukowski poem

2006-05-21T17:00:00.000-04:00

16-bit Intel 8088 Chip
Charles Bukowski

with an Apple Macintosh
you can't run Radio Shack programs
in its disc drive.
nor can a Commodore 64
drive read a file
you have created on an
IBM Personal Computer.
both Kaypro and Osborne computers use
the CP/M operating system
but can't read each other's
handwriting
for they format (write
on) discs in different
ways.
the Tandy 2000 runs MS-DOS but
can't use most programs produced for
the IBM Personal Computer
unless certain
bits and bytes are
altered
but the wind still blows over
Savannah
and in the Spring
the turkey buzzard struts and
flounces before his
hens.

2006-05-21T16:58:00.000-04:00

I'm erasing my harddrive and starting over from scratch....I'm deleting a lot of shit...everything, actually, and I found some shit. This poem, and some western civ II notes.

Tapestry unwinding
Must be grand always falling
All of this death compiling
I am here forget leaving
Fall in my shadow box now
Must be swell
To see me somehow
Looking at you now
So slowly
Pleased to meet you
Sad to know me

Elizabeth Prior
Western Civ II
Take Home Final

Jean Jacques Rousseau
1712 – 1778: Swiss philosopher and writer who held that the individual is essentially good but usually corrupted by society. His theories greatly resembled communism. His written works include The Social Contract and Émile (both of which in 1762).

Liberalism
Liberalism is a political theory that was founded on the natural “goodness” of humans and the autonomy of the individual; also favoring civil and political liberties, government by law with the consent of the governed, and protection from arbitrary authority. Liberalism stressed not only human rationality, but also the importance of property rights. Liberalism drew upon the abstract ideas and methodologies presented in the Enlightenment by John Stuart Mill, Jeremy Bentham and Adam Smith. In a laissez-faire economic based society, liberalism had more or less, affected the way things were done by the mid to late 19th century. With the growth of the industrial society, more inequities in wealth and power had emerged which lead many people, namely those of the working class to question the liberal creed.

The Suez Canal
The Suez Canal is connecting the Mediterranean Sea, the Red Sea, and the Gulf of Suez. It has been in dispute for many centuries over whom exactly the canal belongs to. If one country has controlling interest over the canal, they can therefore easily change the importation and exportation of goods to better suit their personal economical and political goals. Under the Anglo-Egyptian treaty of 1936, Britain had control over the canal. However, by the end of WWII, Egypt had pressed the evacuation of British troops from the area, and in 1951, Egypt had repudiated the treaty. Consequently, British rioting ensued.

Social Darwinism
Social Darwinism is the theory of biological evolution derived by Charles Darwin, and others, stating that all species of organisms have developed from a very small natural selection, in which tiny variations in the “genetics” (as it were) changed and adapted as to increase the individual’s ability to survive, compete and reproduce. It is also known as Darwinian Theory.

Atomic Bomb
The Atom Bomb is an explosive weapon of great disparaging power caused by the rapid release of energy in the fission of heavy atomic nuclei. Used by the United States in WWII against Japan.

League Of Nations
The League of Nations was founded in 1920 by Woodrow Wilson. It is an international organization that was created to promote peace and cooperation. It was, however, essentially powerless and dissolved in 1946.

Elizabeth Cady Stanton
Elizabeth Cady Stanton was a rather influential woman during the women’s rights movement. She had married Henry Brewster Stanton, who was a journalist and abolitionist in 1840. She attended a conference with him in London at which she met Lucretia Mott, and they collaborated to organize the first ever women’s right convention in Seneca Falls, NY in 1848.

Nationalism
Nationalism is the devotion of oneself to their nation’s intrests and cultute. The act of practicing what is good for the nation is good for whoever is residing in the nation.

2006-05-20T05:48:00.000-04:00

I spent my night restoring a photo for Nik - Mike's brother.

Before: http://www.squishedlizard.net/guest/gpappy.jpg
After: http://www.squishedlizard.net/guest/gpappy52006-a.jpg

thoughts

2006-05-16T22:02:00.000-04:00

I cannot bring to light any of this which consumes me. As for myself, there is no other way, and the discoveries that I have made I will never be able to bring to light. How I wish I can share the eternity of what I have seen...and this strange eternity has seen me.

A glorious rain cloud has engulfed most of the east coast; rain and power outages have been moving up and down the Eastern sea board. This kind of weather always improves my mood. Something about the tranquility and beauty of the rain washing away every particle of dirt and grime. I used to go walking with J through the rain. we would go stand on the foot bridge under the trees and just talk. It's one of my fondest memories.

Yesterday Michael and I went walking through the rain. I felt this wonderful feeling of warmth over come me as I looked at him through the rain drops. We were just in the cemetary, taking flowers to his mom's grave for mother's day. I looked at him from the other side of the cemetary walking towards me, and he looked very beautiful.

Michael wonders why I'm with him. He doesn't seem to understand. The key to life is not having a significant other, but having a person you love who makes you want to be a better person...who makes you better than you already are. H look at Mike and I don't see someone who's 27 without a future, the way he speaks, but rather, I see the most beautiful person in my entire life. He makes me wish I was stronger, wiser, prettier, and healthier, but at the end of the day, when all is said and done, and we are lying down in bed, he looks at me and pulls me close and makes me feel like the luckiest woman in the world. I may not be the smartest person, or the prettiest, but when he wraps his arms around me and tells me he loves me, I am only reminded that I am truly blessed. My life is not exactly the best right now. I have this heart problem still. No income to speak of, and I can't go back to school. But I have Mike, and that makes all the difference in the world.

In other news, I've been writing a lot today. I wrote nearly 4,000 words on my story. I'm not entirely sure where it's going yet, but I have a good idea. Stories, I've found, don't follow the paths you wish them to take. They turn into their own being...their own essence comes shining through, and it's up to me to make it the brightest I can. I have apx 12,000 words. So I'm 1/10th of the way there. I think a good length is around 120,000 words.

I found this on my hard drive

2006-05-16T05:00:00.000-04:00

Lead me not into temptation
And deliver my evil disregard
Redeem me of self-consumption
And look me in the eyes
As my first smashes the glass
On your picture
In a fit of passion
Unfit for public tears

Forgive me if my words are
Unorthodox but my mother
Used to tell me nobody would care
The early morning sun rises
In a fiery burst of anger
Eradicating the deep cerulean blue
Into a giant patchwork conformed.

The winds pick up, fiercely
Raging across the deserted mesa
A familiar scent of dragon pearls
And earl grey
Whip across the rocks
Waiting, reminding me
Of a poor little girl who will grow up
Without knowing her father

We wait for light
But behold darkness
Because without gloom
We would have no comparison
Moving mindlessly
You look for redemption
Of yourself
And your passions
With little to no regard
For the passions you fuel in others

But it will be alright,
She told you
“I will forgive you, my love.”
Drink the wine
For it is my blood
Eat this bread
For it is my flesh
But whatever you do,
Don’t surrender your heart to another
Bless me father
For I have sinned
I have lost track of the finer things
To be complimented
By Sherry or fine cheese
I have spent too much time lost
Wandering aimlessly through
Our vacant wicked garden

Let’s perambulate
In the catacombs
And envy those
Who came here before us
Let’s drink the Dragon Pearls
Dancing across the valley
Waiting for a broken heart
While standing in the midst
Of your bed of rain

And as I walk through the valley
Of death I shall fear no evil
For consumption smothers my fear
And entangles my passionate
Dreams never written
And words never spoken
Which enrage me when I think of you
You know how much I cared
I cared enough to drink the wine

Your quill pen covered me
With words of apathetic lust
But now I disown this
All of me
All of you
Alas you possess my truth

Those of us who choose darkness
Have, yet, seen light
Among the strong,
We are like the dead
Give us this day
Give me my day
For there is no justice
And there are no morals
Just jasmine studded raindrops
Glistening in the snow
Or would you rather bathe?
With the red violin
In your bed of rain
You have set me down to die
And I fear that this is not the end
Death’s boatman accepts no bribes
I asked you to set her free

Suffering produces endurance
And endurance produces character
But where was your character
When you looked me in the eyes?
When you felt my heart?
The mind is everything
You told me
“What you think, you become”
But if I were to not be punished for my anger
But by my anger, where would we stand
In the deep diamond studded sky?

Would you still say
There is nothing better than
Where we stand in this moment?

Forgive my trespasses
And forgive those
Who wander aimlessly
Dwelling in compassionate apathy
Deliver me from my blood red sins
And lead me not into self-consumption

Wow.

2006-05-11T03:42:00.000-04:00

2006-05-11T02:39:00.000-04:00

The Mammogram

2006-05-09T03:48:00.000-04:00

This is an x-ray that has its own name because no one wants to
actually say the word breast. Mammograms require your breasts
to do gymnastics. If you have extremely agile breasts, you
should do fine. Most breasts however, pretty much hang around
doing nothing in particular so they are woefully unprepared.
But you can prepare for a mammogram right at home using these
simple exercises:

1. Refrigerate two bookends overnight. Lay one of your breasts
(either will do) between the two bookends and smash the
bookends together as hard as you can. Repeat three times daily.

2. Locate a pasta maker or old wringer washer. Feed the breast
into the machine and start cranking. Repeat twice daily.

3. (Advanced) Situate yourself comfortably on your side on the
garage floor. Place one of your breasts snugly behind the rear
tire of the family van. When you give the signal, hubby will
slowly ease the car into reverse. Hold for five seconds. Repeat
on the other side.

2006-05-07T06:33:00.000-04:00

I was in the hospital on Friday. And Wednesday. But Friday is the time that upsets me the most. My doctor, Salle, was a fucking moron, and he should be shot.

In other news:

Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and
scientists can never earn as much as business executives and
sales people."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation
based on the following two postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time

And since: Knowledge = Power And: Time = Money , It is
therefore true that Knowledge = Work / Money Solving this
equation for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity,
regardless of the amount of Work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

CRIPPLE FIGHT!

2006-05-07T05:22:00.000-04:00

Man With Two Prosthetic Legs, Deaf Man Brawl After Meeting in a Indiana Bar
The Associated Press

VALPARAISO, Ind. - Two men who had driven around several towns for hours after meeting in a bar ended up fighting after one of the men couldn't communicate directions clearly to the driver.

Kent Hisey, 52, became frustrated by the difficulty of James Mills, who is deaf, in communicating directions, Valparaiso police said. They had driven from the Playboy Lounge in New Chicago to Portage, then Hobart where the 46-year-old Mills lives and finally to Valparaiso communities spread across two northwest Indiana counties about 30 miles southeast of Chicago.

Hisey, who has two prosthetic legs, stopped his car at the Porter County Airport, got out and used his walker to go around to the passenger side, where he grabbed Mills to pull him from the car, police said.

Mills allegedly pushed Hisey to the ground, causing him to hit his head.

Paramedics arrived Thursday about 1:30 a.m. to treat Hisey's lacerations and take him to Porter Hospital. Police wrote a note to Mills informing him he was being arrested on a battery charge.

Officers conducted a field sobriety test on Hisey. His blood-alcohol level registered 0.16 percent. Under Indiana law, the threshold for drunken driving is 0.08 percent.

Both Hisey and Mills were taken to the Porter County Jail, where they were being held Friday morning.

Copyright 2006 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

Copyright © 2006 ABC News Internet Ventures

2006-05-03T12:28:00.000-04:00

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing
corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big
multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and
cultural differences. For example...

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la.
Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after
thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite
the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending
on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters
and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which
can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with
the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your
ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan
"finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling
Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking
Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free
and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America,
it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go."
After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars,
it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped.
The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny
male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and
substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads
were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and
embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the
spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said
that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the
spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the
desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I
Saw the Potato."

Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to
make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish
translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared
on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It
takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada
as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means
"big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not
have a noticeable effect on sales.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name
of a notorious porno mag.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the
name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it
entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests
for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of
Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

and finally...

In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly
continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to
extoll the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence,
the slogan, "Orange juice. It gets your pecker up."

By the way, these are all true!

regression?

2006-05-03T06:27:00.000-04:00

I was reading through my blog a few minutes ago, and I was writing at one point about how this one asshole kept coming back into my life, over, and over, and over, and was making me miserable.

Kudos to me! I haven't spoken to him in a month! Maybe I'm massochistic. I keep thinking "Maybe I'll see how he's doing" but then I think about it and I think about how nice it is to have my life relativly drama free, with the exception of work. I think I like this, and I intend on keeping it this way for as long as possible. It is kind of hard still though, since he was such a part of my life for so long.

Another person who was / is very important to me, has gone so far as to withdraw himself from my life. I think that's what he wanted all along. He'd tell me he loves me and cares about me, and then I wouldn't talk to him for 3 months. He'd come and go out of whim. He said he wanted to be part of my life, and then would make no attempt to be part of my life. Almost as though he'd go out of his way not to be part of it. Kind of an interesting dynamic with that one, because I sacrificed so much for him.

Things with J are better off this way. In the end, I wouldn't have been happy with him. At one point I thought I would have married him, but our relationship was so ambigious, it was kind of hard to define it in the sense of long term commitment. He upsets me though...he'll still randomly pop into my life with a poem, or a story, or just to tell me he loves me. It's hard. Even though we don't speak anymore, I know he loves me, and misses me, and thinks of me often. I know he's fine, without actually having been told anything. It's very odd.

Thinking back on it, I'm glad, that things worked out the way they did. I still love him, but I'm definately not in love with him. If I were still with him, I definately wouldn't have met Mike, who is just....amazing, to me. He's so beautiful. I've never been this happy with somebody before. It is a nice change. It's a very welcome change to be with somebody who actually gets me, and appreciates me, and loves me for who I am, AND is such a great person. I definately did not expect this.

Bali Festivals

2006-05-03T01:19:00.000-04:00

Every 6 months in accordance with the Hindu calendar, Balinese Hindus celebrate Galungan and Kuningan festivals to celebrate the triumph of good over evil. Photos by AP.

My weekend

2006-05-01T05:27:00.000-04:00

Michael and I went up to Buffalo for the weekend. It was an interesting time. Ashley went with us. One of his friends of many years. I had a blast. We went up to see his friend Josh. Went to a party for a little bit. One of Josh's friends is here from Germany, and another friend, Ricky, flew in from Las Vegas. After the party, we went out to a few bars. We all got trashed. Gordon's on Deleware was absolutely packed. It was kind of a cool place. Good energy. I like it. Very cool vibes there. And they have Frank Sinatra posters.

While we were at Gordon's this drug dealer who looks like Willow kept buying shots. Josh would buy us all some shots, and then Willow would buy us all shots. It was a game, and Willow definately won. He opened his wallet and he had nothing but 20's. I think Josh dropped between $50 and $100. Which, interestingly enough, doesn't affect his finances at all. He told me what he makes. He makes a lot of money. Pays his bills, and then just pisses through the rest. He's got like $19 in his savings account lol. I wish I had that luxury.

After Gordon's we went to this ghetto bar on the west side called Rendevuez. That was a lot of fun lol. Mike and I made friends with this black chick named Carla. She's 37, her daughter is 21, and Carla has 4 grandchildren. The eldest is 4 years old. She was a lot of fun. She kept telling me and Mike that we needed to get married and have kids because we are such a good couple. It was really cute. Then these black guys were trying to teach Mike how to dance like a thug lmao. It was fucking hillarious. This guy was over there doing all these moves, and trying to get Mike to do it, and Mike was just standing there staring at him. He didn't get it at all. It's beyond his comprehension.

I had 2 shots of tequila, 2 shots of black house, 2 shots of zwack, 1 shot of peppermint something or other, 1 bloody brain, 2 beers, and a gin and tonic.

Zwack was interesting. Tasted kind of fruity, and kind of like jagermeister, but not as terrible. I actually kinda liked it. It's apricot brandy. Yum.

The bloody brain was really fucking good. I loved that. I'm definately going to have that again. You take the peach schnapps and pour it into the glass, then float irish creame over the top, and then some grenadine, very slowly. It looks like a brain, in liquid, that's bleeding. It's really fucking yummy. It has a weird texture though when you shoot it back. It's definately kind of creamy, but the cream has started to solidify, so it feels kind of odd. Love it though. Absolutely love it.

And I wonder why I felt like shit all day Saturday lol. Actually, I don't really remember Saturday. I only remember select parts of it. And they're hazy. Pretty much everything past 3pm on Saturday is gone. It's pretty bad lol.

MAN DATES GAL ON INTERNET FOR SIX MONTHS -- AND IT TURNS OUT SHE'S HIS MOTHER!

2006-04-27T03:07:00.000-04:00

By Grace Green
Friday December 9, 2005

MARSEILLES, France -- Skirt-chasing playboy Daniel Anceneaux spent weeks talking with a sensual woman on the Internet before arranging a romantic rendezvous at a remote beach -- and discovering that his on-line sweetie of six months was his own mother!

"I walked out on that dark beach thinking I was going to hook up with the girl of my dreams," the rattled bachelor later admitted. "And there she was, wearing white shorts and a pink tank top, just like she'd said she would.

"But when I got close, she turned around -- and we both got the shock of our lives. I mean, I didn't know what to say. All I could think was, 'Oh my God! it's Mama!' "

But the worst was yet to come. Just as the mortified mother and son realized the error of their ways, a patrolman passed by and cited them for visiting a restricted beach after dark.

"Danny and I were so flustered, we blurted out the whole story to the cop," recalled matronly mom Nicole, 52. "The policeman wrote a report, a local TV station got hold of it -- and the next thing we knew, our picture and our story was all over the 6 o'clock news. "People started pointing and laughing at us on the street -- and they haven't stopped laughing since."

The girl-crazy X-ray technician said he began flirting with normally straitlaced Nicole -- who lives six miles away in a Marseilles suburb -- while scouring the Internet for young ladies to put a little pizzazz in his life.

"Mom called herself Sweet Juliette and I called myself The Prince of Pleasure, and unfortunately, neither one of us had any idea who the other was," said flabbergasted Daniel.

"The conversations even got a little racy a couple of times.

"But I really started to fall for her, because there seemed to be a sensitive side that you don't see in many girls.

"She sent me poems she had written and told me about her dreams and desires, and it was really very romantic.

"The truth is, I got to see a side of my mom I'd never seen before. I'm grateful for that."

When starry-eyed Daniel asked Sweet Juliette to send him a picture, Nicole e-mailed him a photo of a curvy, half-clad cutie she'd scanned from a men's magazine.

"The girl in the picture was so beautiful, I begged Juliette to meet me on the beach -- and Mom said yes," he recalled. "Mom says she was falling for me, too, and she just wanted to meet me, even though she knew I'd be disappointed when I saw her.

"As for me, I figured I was going to find the girl of my dreams.

"I guess that's about as wrong as I've ever been."

Daniel admits he and his mother could do little but stammer and stutter around each other for days after their cyberspace exploits came to light. And his father Paul -- Nicole's husband of 27 years -- wasn't too happy when the story hit the news and his beer-drinking buddies made him the butt of their jokes.

"Dad was ticked for a while and he forbid Mom to talk to anybody on the Internet ever again," said embarrassed Daniel.

2006-04-24T07:17:00.000-04:00

Warm mediocrity
silent red
orchestrated through
the glare of tears
come hither
and listen
lend your ear
he starts to swing
but gives up grey
shadows on the pond
of delight
collected works
one through zero
living your dreams
washed away

Mom's poems

2006-04-24T06:04:00.000-04:00

My mother is actually a really good poet. I got to reading some of her stuff a few minutes ago. This is my favourite.

Morning Drive

Sunrise splashes golden light
across the mesa
The windmill spins in time
to Elvis Costello
casting revolving shadows over the trees
My life clicks by
like an independent surrealist film
complete with soundtrack.

I drive by IM'd Steve the other night

2006-04-23T05:26:00.000-04:00

Click

2006-04-23T05:23:00.000-04:00

Click Movie Trailer. Adam Sandler and Chrissy Walken

My Life: The Soundtrack

2006-04-19T03:37:00.000-04:00

Opening credits: "Nobody Like You" by Limp Bizkit w/ Scott Weiland & Jonathan Davis
Waking up: "Samba" by Bebel Gilberto
Average day: "Flesh Into Gear" by CKY
First date: "Here Comes Your Man" by Pixies
Falling in love: "The Recluse" by Cursive
Love scene: "3.14" by Bloodhound Gang (You know what I really want in a girl? me!)
Fight scene: "Here Come The Bastards" by Primus
Breaking up: "These Boots" by KMFDM
Getting back together: "Wake Up" by Coheed & Cambria
We're Over For Good: "The Weather is Here, Wish You Were Beautiful" by Jimmy Buffett
"Alone" time: "My Ding A Ling" by Chuck Berry
Secret love: "I touch Myself" by Divinyls
Getting Ready To Go: "Am I Sexy" by Lords of Acid
In A Bar/Club: "Whatever Lola Wants" by Sarah Vaughan
Going to Church: "Kooler Than Jesus" by My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult
Experimenting With Drugs: "Can't You Trip Like I do?" by Crystal Method & Filter
Life's okay: "Hijack" by MC Chris
Being stalked: Castle Music from Super Mario Brothers 3
Mental breakdown:
Driving: "Going Out West" by Tom Waits
Traveling: "Road Trippin'" by RHCP
Watching TV: "MTV Makes Me Wanna Smoke Crack" by Beck
Learning a lesson: "Better Version of Me" by Fiona Apple
Deep thought: "Bricolage" by Bonobo
Flashback: "Touch Peel & Stand" by Travis Meeks
Walking In The Rain: "Amelie Poulain" by Yann Tiersen
Partying: "SOS" by Rhianna
Happy dance: "Pink Panther Remix" by Fischerspooner
Good Mood: "Pandora" by The Distillery
Regreting: "Flowers On The Wall" by Statler Brothers
Long night alone: "The Rach 3" by Rachmaninoff
Death scene: "It's Over Now" by Alice in Chains
Closing credits: "Happy Ever After" by Jimmy Buffett

Yoga and Chi Kung

2006-04-18T04:55:00.000-04:00

In efforts to center my energy and maintain a somewhat healthy state of being, I've started doing Yoga and Chi Kung. My mother sent me "The Art of Chi Kung" "Light On Yoga" and a yoga mat. My goal for the next week is to get my space relativly under control, and centered, and work on my emotional and physical health. I've been lacking in that department lately as I've felt so incredibly run down.

Telemetry monitor

2006-04-18T03:32:00.000-04:00

So my surgery didn't go as planned. They got in there and discovered my heart is perfectly healthy, and even though I have a heart problem, they can't find any sign of it ever existing.

I went to my cardiologist last week and he sent away for this telemetry monitor for me. He said it was this small thing that I wear, and it records my heart at all times, and in all locations. He said there was a receiver for my purse and a base station at my house where I could charge it. He said it would be shipped to my house with instructions on how to hook it up.

Well it's not at all what the doc said really. It didn't get fed-exed to me. It doesn't have instructions on how to hook it up. The one I'm on is owned by Jones Memorial Hospital here in Wellsville as opposed to the hospital that my cardiologist works for in Rochester, and I had to agree to pay $1,600 if I lose it. But I mean, really...how can I lose this? It's attached to me.

Anyway.

There is no base station. There is no receiver to carry in my purse. I'm not directly connected to Strong. When I have an episode I have to push the "record" button and I can only store 3 episodes. After each episode I have to call Rochester from a land line phone, and put the phone on top of the monitor, and click send. It'll transmit it through the phone, and clear the memory.

It stays on for 30 days regardless of what happens to my heart while I'm wearing it, and I have to change the electrodes every day.

Fun fun! Can't wait!!! Oh well. I get to take it off when I shower, and I can leave it off for an hour if I'm doing something that's not intensive. The weird thing is that once I push record, I have to hold perfectly still...which probably isn't going to work, because while I walk upstairs, my heart gets funky. And when I stop walking upstairs, my heart goes back to fine within like 3 seconds. So I'm not really sure how I'm going to capture these things. And the instructions say to record *EVERY* event. But I can only store 3 events before I have to clear the memory. I'm not sure whether or not to record every single event or just fuck the minor ones and record the moderate-severe ones.

I'm pretty much stuck in a sports bra for the next month because the way it has to sit, my other bras won't hold it and my boobs at the same time.

wank behind the bush

2006-04-14T05:39:00.000-04:00

A new priest is being given instructions on what to do when he takes confession. The older priest tells the new man, for things like stealing, give 5 hail mary's, and for sleeping with
the neighbours, 10 hail mary's.

So the new priest is taking confession one day. The first man in tells the priest he slept with the woman next door. The priest tells him to do 10 hail mary's and he's on his way.

The next man in, confesses to having a wank behind a bush. Somewhat puzzled, the priest steps out of the confessional box and asks two passing alter boys what the "old man" gives for a wank behind a bush.

The two boys reply, "A can of Coke and a Mars Bar."

squishy porn lmao

2006-04-11T04:46:00.000-04:00

I just got this email. Note the bold.
_____________________________

Hi Elizabeth,

This is Vips from Aaronas-NY, a NY based adult talent company. We are currently looking for new models from NY and nearby states for upcoming Fetish/ Bondage/ Adult shoots, including upcoming movies from Hustler-VCA. If you are interested, please send following information:

Photos: 4 Clear photos (front, side, back nudes and face shot):

Name:
Alias/Stage Name:

Address 1:
Address 2:
City:
State:
Zip Code:
Date of Birth:
Ethnicity:
Cell: Home:
Email:

Age:
Measurements:
Bust:
Cup:
Waist:
Hips:
Hair Color:
Eye Color:
Skin Color:
Height:
Weight:

Modeling Interests: Please put YES or NO next to the types of modeling you
are interested in.

Artistic Nude:
Erotic Nude:
Adult Nude:
Fetish:
Bondage
Exotic Dancing:
Adult Performer:

Scenes: Please write Yes or No

Solo Masterbation:
Solo Masterbation w toys:
Girl/Girl:
Girl/Girl W/toys:
Blowjob:
Swallow:
Facial:
Boy/Girl:
Boy/Girl/Boy:
Interracial:
Anal:
Gang Bang:
Double Penetration:
Double Veginal
Double Anal:
Cream Pie:
ATM (Ass to Mouth):

kalawa

2006-04-10T05:12:00.000-04:00

Aslam, a Muslim boy, carries freshly dyed kalawa, a sacred orange-yellow thread used in Hindu rituals, to hang for drying at Lalgopalgunj village, in the northern Indian state of Uttar Pradesh, Monday, April 10, 2006. Muslim artisans mostly do dyeing of the kalawa thread in Lalgopalgunj. (AP Photo/Rajesh Kumar Singh)

How to put on a condom

2006-04-08T01:39:00.000-04:00

Step 1: Suck it up, and go into the store.
Step 2: When you get to the condom aisle, swallow your pride. Do not buy “magnum” unless you really deserve that title.
Step 3: When you get to the counter, do not lie to the clerk. Do not buy Jello and try to make it look like a joke. Take pride in the fact that you’re buying condoms because if you’ve gotten this far, odds are, you’re going to get laid.
Step 4: After you’ve purchased the condoms, and invariably hit on the cute clerk behind the counter, proceed to get into your car, and go to the location of your soon-to-be sexual encounter.
Step 5: Find your partner, (preferably a human partner, but hey, I’m not passing judgment) and begin whatever foreplay that might be necessary for you to be able to get it up.
Step 6: Pull your penis out of your pants. Make sure you’re hard, otherwise this won’t work.
Step 7: Take the condom out of the wrapper without ripping the condom. If you do rip it, you may find it necessary to go back to step 1.
Step 8: Hold the tip of the condom to squeeze out the excess air, and put it on your penis.
Step 9: Roll the condom down until you see the expiration date at the bottom of the roll. If you are not that large, however, roll the condom down until your penis is covered.
Step 10: Mind stray pubic hair as it may prove to be painful if you manage to get one caught in the condom.

The past couple days

2006-04-05T07:23:00.000-04:00

The past couple days have been interesting to say the least.

My mother flew in on Saturday night. Sunday I ended up not having to go over to church, so I went to my boyfriend's house for a while. Well, long story short, we fell asleep and awoke to a phone call from my mother wondering where I was. She comes over to Mike's and meets him, and it's very obvious that we had both gotten out of bed just recently. But did she judge? Well, hm. She probably did, but she didn't voice it. Nor did she voice it when we were lying together in the hotel room cuddling after my surgery.

As for that...

I got there, waited with Mom & Mike for a while. Then when they took me back, they rubbed my skin with sandpaper before sticking the electrodes on me. They put a big, HUGE rectangle one right between, and nearly covering, my tits. One on my back in aproximately the same spot. This way, if I died on the table, they'd be able to bring me right back. But I wasn't allowed to die on the table. They said it would have ruined their day, so they wouldn't let me. Trust me, I tried. So after the electrodes are on, they put on about 12, they tried to give me an IV. IN MY FUCKING HAND! Oh. My. God. That hurt like a son of a bitch. I refused to let them continue. I actually started crying. I never cry from IV's. Ever. But that one fucking hurt. I'm never doing that again. Screw that. I'd rather not be able to bend my entire fucking arm then have a goddamned IV in my hand.

So then they decided to give me a bikini shave. The nurse was surprised when she discovered I keep it relativly tame. They explained that they were going to go through my neck AND my leg. Wow, that fucking blows dude, lemme tell ya. I mean, fuck. They stuck 3 of these cathiters through my goddamn leg. IN THE SAME VEIN. And 3 in my neck. The ones in my neck though all entered through the same hole, so I am developing a lump under the skin on my neck because now that it's healing, there's air bubbles. It sucks. A lot. Way lots. Since they were running late, my surgery was scheduled for 11:30, they asked me if I wanted someone to come back with me. I told the nurse to tell Mom and Mike to decide amongst themselves because I really didn't want to get chastized for choosing. Mike comes walking in and he's laughing. "Your mom hates me. The nurse asked me if I wanted to come back or if your mom did, and your mom tells me 'Oh Mike just go. I can see my daughter whenever. You're just a passing fling.'"

We chatted for a bit and then he went and got my Mom. She comes back and tells me how everything's going to be fine, and she really doesn't hate Mike. "I don't know him well enough to hate Mike...but I did hate Edward within 2 sentences, so Mike's really doing good actually." Mom decided she was going to get some lunch and that she was going to go buy Mike lunch. I told her he'd throw a fit because he doesn't think he needs it...he doesn't want her to waste her money on him, etc. Those are, interestingly enough, the same reasons Mom refuses things from people. They're both 9's though. They wheeled me off to the O.R and Mom tells me as I'm going that she's going to go take the "boyfriend deu'jour" out to lunch.

Anyway, so they get me into the operating room and move me onto the table. Which is more comfortable than the stretcher I was on in the prep room. This was around 12:30 I finally got back there. They hooked me all up. Taped a penny to my back. Gave me some drugs, and we were good to go. The interesting thing, however, is that I was fully consious while this was happening. I just couldn't really feel it. Versid is a really good drug. I felt it though when they shoved the wires into my neck because they shot me up with lyticaine, but it hadn't taken effect. That was like a bee sting...the lyticaine shot was. Getting the wires into my neck was just ultimately too bizaare to comprehend. It felt so odd to have something snaking around under my skin....

So here I am, lying on this table that conforms perfectly to my body...one of those tempur-pedic beds, and they had raised me so I was 8 feet off the floor face to face with this gigantic Star Wars looking camera. This thing was bigger than my computer monitor. I wasn't allowed to move. I was pretty much high as a goddamn kite. No pillow, listening to Gwen Stefani merge into Pink on the local pop radio station.

The doctors weren't in the same room as me. They were in a completely seperate room where they could control me and watch me.

2 hours later, they lower me down, and the doctor lowered me down from the table and tells me that they shot me full of all the drugs they have, and even at 283 beats a minute, my heart would NOT start to go into it's SVT's or Atrial Fib. They wheeled me out to recovery where they just put bandaids on my wounds, and let me lay there for a while.

The doctors went out and told Mom and Mike what happened. Mom comes back and tells me that she and Mike were discussing it. He thought I'd be pissed. She thought I'd be in tears. Oh, she was so wrong. I was fucking livid. If I had more energy and I wasn't so stoned, I probably would have started bitching. But instead all I could do is lie there and drink this really watered down cranberry juice. They released me to go home at 4pm. After making sure I could walk, which was kind of difficult. I was soooooooo fucking stoned, holy shit. I had trouble doing much of anything.

We all went back to the hotel, and after discovering I just got my period, and taking care of it, I crashed. I just crawled into bed with Mike and passed out for 4 hours. We went to dinner, and then went back to the hotel, and I pretty much crashed for 9 hours. It was pretty nice.

So anyway, that's it. I have an apointment on Tuesday when we're going to discuss alternative surgery options, and maybe even pills.

Yay. I can't fucking wait.

It meant *so* much to me that Mike was there the whole time. I keep thanking him and he doesn't realize he did anything at all.

hahahahaha

2006-03-29T09:31:00.000-05:00

This week

2006-03-29T06:34:00.000-05:00

Later today I go to get blood drawn for my surgery. It's a pregnancy test and all that. Just a precaution, I understand. I hate having blood drawn, but I dislike it a lot less than I used to. I suppose that's what you get when your blood is drawn frequently. You get used to it. You adjust to having needles stuck into your arms, and then kept in your arms in the form of an IV. The last woman woman who drew blood from me in the lab left my arm bruised for days. Then another woman did a really good job, surprisingly, as she was a total and complete bitch. I still have the mark from where I was stuck last time, so I am going to suggest they just use the same hole.

I had a good night all things considered. I'm fucking tired though and should be in bed right now as opposed to writing, but eh, fuck it. I need to write. I also need to be up in 5 hours, so this has to be brief.

The Maple Fest is this weekend. My brother asked me to take Mike on Saturday, and Mom on Sunday, provided she wants to go. My father will be there as well, so that should be an interesting time seeing as how the two of them (Mom & Dad) do not get along.

I found out the operation I'm about to have a woman I know had it nearly 10 years ago when it was still experimental. That makes me very happy to know she's had it and has been alright. It could only have gotten better and more efficiant and it pleases to me that it will probably be a success and I will probably be happier for it in the end.

I leave sometime Sunday for the operation. Mom and I are staying over night at the Raddison in Rochester and then I'm going to the hospital in the morning. I'm sure I've already said this. It's just kind of hard not to talk about when it's the biggest thing going on in my life right now.

Mike doesn't believe I'm going to die during the procedure, or anytime soon for that matter. He believes that God hates me too much to kill me, and will instead force me to spend eternity with him. lmao. What a horrible punishment. Although, I suppose that is Mike's punishment for killing Jesus pre-salamander. He has to spend 4,000 life times working at A+. Hahahaha.

Someone I was speaking with last night...someone who is a prick but believes otherwise, felt it to be his right to take such a low shot at not only myself, but at Mike as well. "You've been in college for 7 years and you don't have a fucking degree yet." and went on to imply that I'm worthless because of this. "You could have gotten this degree done yet, but you haven't. You've had 7 fucking years to work on this." I reminded him that I stopped going to school when I moved in with him because I could either work or go to school, but not both. "You could have done it before." Uhm, yeah, if I had enough money to do it all in one shot, I probably would have you fucker. And THEN he had the audacity to say "And look at Mike. He works at a fucking store." My take on that, yeah, it may be a shit job, but at least it is a job. He's doing what he has to do to pay the bills and pay off his student loans. That is very respectful. So where the hell does this fucker get off devaluing any of that? This is the same guy that got fired and refused to get a new job because he didn't "feel like working." So instead he just became in debt to his parents as they were paying his bills, and providing him with a place to live. Personally, I'd rather work a shit job.

I really need to get this asshole out of my life. I'm working on it. I really am. I impressed myself. I got him 100% completely blocked online. This is a step in the right direction. Now I just need to get rid of this ring, and we'll be good. I like this ring. I really do. That's why I still have it. But it's gotten to the point where I don't want to be wearing this anymore. He gave this to me when I was his girlfriend, and I'm not now, and furthermore, I dislike him so much I want him gone. Wearing a ring he gave to me as his girlfriend only seems to remind me that he's not really out of my life. It's symbolic, I know. But it is hard just the same. It's something he gave me when I thought we were happy and in love only to find out the complete opposite.

The most interesting part, I'm sure most of you know of which asshole I speak, is that he doesn't believe he is a prick, or an asshole, or anything like that. He thinks he's a good person. . . . Yeah, you read that correctly. He thinks he's a good person. He doesn't think he's an asshole. He doesn't understand why I'm always upset with him. He doesn't understand why I hold a grudge. In fact, he thinks I look for reasons to dislike him, but I don't. I don't need to look for reasons, nor invent them. They're right there. "I've let everything that happened between us go. Why can't you? Why can't you move on?" Well it'd be a lot easier to move on if I didn't have to deal with him, ya know? I know this may sound superficial, immature, and undeveloped, but fuck. It could sound like I'm just avoiding my problems, but look at it, seriously. The biggest cause of misery in my life is him. All my unhappiness and all my self doubt stem from conversations with him. So it only seems logical to get rid of him, correct? Well I've even told him this and he believes that doing so is just running from my problems and not dealing with them. When my problem is the way talking to someone makes me feel, isn't it logical that I stop talking to him? Consequentially my problem would be gone. Does anybody agree with me and see my logic, or am I just insane?

So uhm, an interesting fact according to an article I found tonight...

Not everyone nods off after sex. The survey found 48 per cent of men had actually fallen asleep during the act itself.

So uhm, yeah. That's kind of good to know.

ting a ling you son of a bitch

2006-03-29T06:31:00.000-05:00

I've been reading Timequake by Vonnegut. This is by far the funniest reference to "ting a ling" I've ever encountered in my entire life.

"He was insane," said Trout. "How insane? He came into my bedroom at midnight. He woke me up. He said he had something important to tell me. It was nothing but a dirty joke, but this poor, sick man had come to believe it a parable about the awful blows that life had dealt him. It was about a fugitive who sought shelter from the police in the home of a woman he knew.

"Her living room had a cathedral ceiling, which is to say it went all the way up to the roof peak, with rustic rafters spanning the air space below." Trout paused. It was as though he were as caught up in the tale as his father must have been.

He went on, there in the suite named in honor of the suicide Ernest Hemingway: "She was a widow, and he stripped himself naked while she went to fetch some of her husband's clothes. But before he could put them on, the police were hammering on the front door with their billy clubs. So the fugitive hid on top of a rafter. When the woman let in the police, though, his oversize testicles hung down in full view."

Trout paused again.

"The police asked the woman where the guy was. The woman said she didn't know what guy they were talking about," said Trout. "One of the cops saw the testicles hanging down from a rafter and asked what they were. She said they were Chinese temple bells. He believed her. He said he 'd always wanted to hear Chinese temple bells.

"He gave them a whack with his billy club, but there was no sound. So he hit them again, a lot harder, a whole lot harder. Do you know what the guy on the rafter shrieked?" Trout asked me.

I said I didn't.

"He shrieked, 'TING-A-LING, YOU SON OF A BITCH!' "

Bank Robbers

2006-03-28T04:52:00.000-05:00

2006-03-27T05:55:00.000-05:00

I'm affeared I'm getting a cold. Or maybe the flu. This bites. I really don't want to be sick. I go in for my operation in a week, and they won't do it if I'm sick.

Shopping and the such

2006-03-26T03:06:00.000-05:00

Okay, so. People. I hate them. This one woman. Total stupid cunt. I could have fucking murdered the bitch. In essence, I was visiting Mike @ work, and this bitch is in there. My heart was fucked up. Kinda hurt. And this bitch starts saying how I don't really have anything wrong with me, but rather I am just an attention whore.

Goddamn cunt. I seriously have been thinking about arranging for a pack of wild and convicted serial killers to be turned loose on the cunts entire fucking family.

Is it wrong to get satisfaction and a sense of calm out of the idea of bringing death and mayham to someone else's family?

Joe and I went shopping with Dad today. I got 2 pairs of pants and 2 bras. The bras, Oh My God. This one bra is fucking amazing. It really is. It's blue with pink stripes on the side, and it is SO soft. I was standing there in the store and I said "wow, this bra is really soft. I can't stop feeling it." and I told Joe to touch it and he is like "nah it can't be that soft" and he leans over, feels it and goes "Wow, this is really soft."

Yeah. I love it. I've been having a hard time not feeling myself up. I told Mike that he *has* to feel this bra. He just has to. It's amazing. Even Joe thought so. He took it out of the bag and was playing with it on the way home.

I taught him how to undo a front clasp bra cause he couldn't figure it out. He kept playing with the bra and was so confused. I showed him and Dad gets in the car and says that it's better I tell him then he gets there with a girl and doesn't know how. I told him he could find out from someone else and that'd probably be worse. "You could find out from Gran! OH MY GOD! YOU SHOULD ASK GRAN!"

That'd be awesome. I'd totally pay him $1,000 to do that if I had the money floating around.

You might be from a small town if:

2006-03-25T05:47:00.000-05:00

1. You can name everyone you graduated with
2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home
3. You know what 4-H is
4. You ever went to "headlight parties"
5. You used to drag "main"
6. You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour
7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones won't
8. You ever went cow-tipping
9. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the 'buyer' for all of the best parties
10. You have parties at the same guy's house
12. School gets cancelled for state sporting events
13. The town social events are their children's
14. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and, if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents, anyhow)
15. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy smokes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them
16. Social acceptance in town depended on the approval of the five old (but rich) hags that met each morning at the donut shop for the latest smut
17. You were ever in the Homecoming parade
18. You have ever gone home for Homecoming
19. You fix up to go buy milk lest anyone starts the rumor that
you have gained weight or quit taking care of youself
20. No place sells gas on Sunday
21. Friday nights fun consisted of standing in line for the one screen theater and since it was sold out, watching truckers and drinking coffee at the truck stop (the only place open after
10pm)
22. You have to drive an hour to buy a pair of socks
23. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town
24. You have ever gone for a walk in the cemetery, on a date
25. You ordered your waredrobe out of a catalog
26. You had senior skip day
27. The whole school went to the same party after graduation
28. The only 'clique' that nobody would be nice to was the skurves across the street
30. You don't give directions by street names or house numbers, but you give directions by references (turn by Armstrongs' Liquor, go two blocks past Andersons', and it's four houses
left of the track field)

Word Of The Day

2006-03-25T03:34:00.000-05:00

con·nip·tion n. Informal

A fit of violent emotion, such as anger or panic. Also called conniption fit.

2006-03-23T00:11:00.000-05:00

A man was on his first business trip to Japan, and he decided
to check out the local Whore House. He walked in and was
assigned a young girl with a body that got him "up"
immediately. As soon as they reached the room, he started
ripping her clothes off and going to town.

Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese,
"Wasukima! Wasukima!" He was sure that she was praising him for
his good job, so he kept going harder than ever.

Later, he went golfing with his boss and a few clients.

As the clients were Japanese, he decided to impress them with
his new knowledge of their language. When one of them got a
hole in one, he raised his arms and shouted "Wasukima!".

All of the men looked at him quizzically, and one of them
asked, "Why are you shouting 'wrong hole'?"

My St. Patty's Day

2006-03-21T05:16:00.000-05:00

Well I had an interesting St. Patty's day. Wasn't too interesting. More than anything it was just...uhm...well. Yeah...

What did I do anyways? I went out to JB's w/ Dani, Darcy, Theresa, Tanya. I ran into Skurvy and Jimmy there. It was kind of fun lol. Jimmy was fucking wasted, and started dancing with me, badly, and then tried to drag me into the bar. It was hillarious. Christopher Strobe started rubbing his ass against my leg like a puppy, lmao, and then promptly vanished into the bar saying "I'm sorry darling, I'm too sober for this."

Hung out at Mike's house with his roomates until he was off work. That was amusing. Skurvy and I were teaching Josh how to dance. We're supposed to be taking him to JB's this Friday and making him dance there, lol. It should be fun. He has no rythym. He's like a goddamned board. Then I ended up coming home in the AM because my heart was really fucked up. I've been tired for 3 days. It sucks. A lot.

2006-03-21T03:16:00.000-05:00

Monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Goddamn cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.

I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad. I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, The odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

this made me laugh

2006-03-20T05:50:00.000-05:00

There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.

As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace.

"Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven."

"You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment."

"Is there anything which your holiness desires?"

"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, with-out the dimming of memories over time."

Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the History of man's relationship with God.

Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over, "There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- it's celibRate!"

First day of spring

2006-03-20T04:33:00.000-05:00

I'm so tired....so incredibly tired of feeling this way. I feel generally worthless because of my heart problem. I feel miserable, and worthless. It hurts people around me. It sucks to deal with, but I can deal with it. It's seeing everybody else worry about me, and fret over me that makes it so difficult.

I've spent so many years just feeling awful and worthless. I can't even remember how many times I was told I am worthless because I can't even go out and get a "real job" because of my heart condition. I hate not being able to walk upstairs without blacking out. I don't even tell people half the time my heart hurts because I don't want them worrying. I only tell them when it gets worse than usual. When it's really bad is when I go to the hospital. I am so tired of being weak because of this...I'm so tired of causing pain to other people because of this. I just want it to go away. Or for me to go away. If I were a stronger person, I could just suck up and deal. I know I could. But I'm not that strong...I'm weak. Especially phsycially, and this is just reaffirming that.

I had a long talk w/ Mike as I said....I'm not a burden according to him...but it's so hard to remind myself of this when I have been hurting people for years because of my fucking heart.

At least if I get this operation done, I'll be fixed. I'll be better. I'll be, to put it in Frank terms, Liz 2.0.

And furthermore, I'm entirely too nice and entirely too conflicted over assholes who don't deserve a moment of my attention. I need to seriously be strong. I need to stop being massochistic and block the people that make me feel horrible and weak. I really do. I feel guilty for the way I've treated said people, and this is not how I prefer things to work out. I'd rather be nicer, and just drift apart. I hate being guilt ridden for being a bitch. I hear voices saying not to be guilty, but at the same time, I have a really short fuse lately and almost zero tolerance for bullshit. If the way I feel talking to someone makes me feel badly for whatever reason, I shouldn't talk to them. I know this...I need to start acting on this.

Flesh Into Gear by CKY

2006-03-20T03:16:00.000-05:00

I can’t expect you to see
Me when I’m not around
And my voice is destroyed
By confinement of sound
I’m a human machine
Laced with hidden disease
If the future looks bleak
Then you’re connected to me

Flesh into gear
Myself appears dissected and pretentious
A simple sound a heavy side
You’ll win the whole world over
You’ll live in fear of being someone that you didn’t want to
I realize your insecurities will get the best of you

A traitor’s embrace
How foolish how wrong
Contained in one place
Anxiety spawns
Unopened reowned
What’s needed upscaled
Digested inhaled
Unwilling unwound

Flesh into gear
Myself appears dissected and pretentious
A simple sound a heavy side
You’ll win the whole world over
You’ll live in fear of being someone that you didn’t want to
I realize your insecurities will get the best of you

Last day of winter

2006-03-19T04:18:00.000-05:00

My operation is in 2 weeks. The closer it gets the more nervous I become. Most of you will say this is normal, but not that kind of nervous. I don't really care so much about having it done. I'm used to my heart problem. But I am really tired of being a burden to my loved ones. I've been troubling my family and friends for nearly 20 years with this heart problem and I am tired of it.

As far as my nervousness is concerned, I am worried that my heart will only become a bigger problem if the operation doesn't work out and makes my condition worse. Then I will become an even bigger burden. I'm not worried about the proceedure itself. I'll be out cold. It'll be harder on my mom, and Mike than it will be on me. They'll be waiting for me. Should I die, it won't really bother me. I mean, really. I'm dead. How will I know? My loved ones will be crushed, and I'm terrified of hurting the people I care about even more than I already have.

I had a talk with Mike about this the other day. He told me how I'm not a burden, and not to feel bad. It was good to hear that. I needed to hear that. I'm so terrified of making everybody elses life harder.

2006-03-16T23:19:00.000-05:00

sailed away on winters day
our fate is washing away the rain
it's funny to be the ones
to watch this from a distance
and being part of the mixture
when it sinks down
over the water
the nautical bouys look ever so tranquil
over the water
white tea and broken dreams
of misery transposed
comes to join the orange
pond of living perseverance

Contemplation

2006-03-16T06:28:00.000-05:00

As you may have noticed, I redesigned my blog. I'm quite pleased with it. I am actually very pleased with it. I like the way it looks. It feels good too.

Stevious: Its beautiful, like poetry
squishedlizard: awe!
squishedlizard: thank you. ^_^
Stevious: ^_^ and I actually ment it! lol
squishedlizard: :-D
squishedlizard: I'm sending that to myself right now so I don't forget it.
squishedlizard: I'm going to quote you.
squishedlizard: did you see my disclaimer @ the bottom?
Stevious: I love it, seriously, this got me laughing "Just trying to keep it between the beacons"
squishedlizard: :-D

In other news, my boss is in communicado in Puetro Rico for 2 weeks. Lucky bastard. He told me they were doing changes, or things of the such, so the offices would be essentially shut down for 2 weeks. I figured he just didn't want to work. I was surprised when I found out he was actually taking a vacation. I have ways to get a hold of him, but only in the event of a *dire* emergency. Countries engaged in war and the such. I have no plans to bug him on vacation anyway. I know I'd be pissed if someone did that to me.

Mike and I got some movies today. He bought Crash, Sideways, and Penn & Teller's Bullshit. I bought After The Sunset and Confidence. - Two of my favourite movies. We watched Sideways tonight at his father's place. Mike had already watched it, and told me how good it was. That was a good movie actually. It was kind of funny, but really more than anything it was a dark sort of humor. A kind of "this-is-how-much-my-life-sucks" humor. What I liked about it is that Thomas Haden Church's character completely fucked up some shit in his head, and with this beautiful woman played by Sandra Oh. He completely ruined his best friend's vacation; cheated on his fiance, nearly left her at the alter, and really just fucked up everything nice and royally. It's a movie, so I was sitting there thinking that this is going to work out and everybody is going to be happy. Things get bad, and then they get worse. "Surely there is a turn around at some point. Surely there must be a point where things get happier." But no, that never came. It was good. My favourite part of the movie was the end. Not because it was over but because it did not have a happy ending. It was kind of a miserable ending. I liked it. It made me quite happy.

The Burn Collector by Al Burian came today. Great book so far. I'm really into it. It's like a mix of Ginsberg, Bukowski and Kerouac with a little bit of Hunter S. Thompson. He talks a lot about preoccupation with occupation and the little philosophies that escape us in our day-to-day lives. It's a collection of the first four years or so of Burn Collectors that he published himself; a zine in essence, is what it is.

I found it to be interesting that this book arrives at this point in my life. For about a week now I've been putting together a zine of my own. An e-zine, and I'm not entirely sure what it has to offer people yet aside from randomness and something to entertain themselves with. I suppose Necromancer Renting falls into the zine category as being a small, inexpensive, self-published, "underground publication." Necromancer Renting will be hitting the "shelves" in the next couple of days after some final editing is done.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Analyzing, for once in my life. Generally speaking, I dislike it when people analyze everything. Including, but not limited to, their life, and where they are at in their life. In my experience anyway it is horribly unproductive, and it hardly ever brings about change that is desired. But, to quote a dear friend, it's time for a serious reprisal of the whole situation.

I am not, by any means, where I expected to be in my life right now. But for some reason, that doesn't bother me. I believe that everything happens for a reason we may not see now...we may not understand. Everything leads to everything else. And there's no point in making a plan because plans go to shit anyway. I'm not very upset about where I am in my life...have I reached a state of acceptance? Am I just repressing what I truly feel? Have I turned on a "fuck this" attitude? Have I become apathetic?

I mean, seriously, I feel quite odd that I'm not more upset. I see a lot of friends of mine that are upset about where they are in their life in the grand year of 2006. It's like everybody had this grand scheme that they expected to work out, or at least hoped would work out, and when it didn't happen, they got upset. They got miserable. And it's the kind of thing that a lot of people I know just can't let go.

Am I weird for not being more upset about where I am, or more to the point, where I'm not? Or have I really just reached what I've been trying so hard to grasp? General acceptance. It might be apathy, it really might. Either way, it doesn't matter. Apathy, acceptance. *shrug* Same difference really. C'est la vie, ya know?

So what's wrong with me? Why have I reached this point, whatever it is? Why me? Why now? Why not someone else?

ha...right on

2006-03-16T05:29:00.000-05:00

Pretty Baby

2006-03-14T21:02:00.000-05:00

I've realized that there is no ultimate goal of happiness. Happiness is not the goal we seek, but rather the process of seeking it. Life is something to be cherished, and valued. It should be valued even more by sharing it with someone dear. I've been very thankful to have such wonderful people in my life.

People think about their life...about where they are in their life, and get depressed. They think they will be happier once they have a better job, or a more stable living situation, or when their loved ones become more mature, or when they have more money, but this is not the case.

We make our lives. We make our moments. We choose how to spend our time and who with. What happens right now is what matters the most in life. Every choice, every decision has lead to this, has lead to now. We may not understand why things work out the way they do, or where they are going to lead. The trick is to accept this as a fact of life, and let it go.

If you're lucky enough to spend your time very limited time on this Earth with someone special, all the more power to you. Time waits for no one.

Happiness is not the outcome we're looking for, but rather the process of looking for it. As Ben Sweetland said, "Happiness is a journey, not a destination."

Oddities

2006-03-14T20:58:00.000-05:00

It's strange...ever since Scott died I keep remembering odd things about him. Like that he stood on Darwin's grave in London and that was one of his fondest moments.

Sometimes I get chills when I think about him. There's no point in regretting anything because all it would do is eat me away and make me sad, but just the same, it's kind of hard.

AC/DC

2006-03-12T12:43:00.000-05:00

So Ma says to Frank something along the lines of "So is Liz AC DC?" and he goes "No ma, that's a band." She was asking if I'm bi. She doesn't know. She doesn't need to know.

fucked up dreams holy shit

2006-03-10T05:24:00.000-05:00

Having a weird day, and mixing in an hour of Kurt Vonnegut before bed, and less caffeine than usual, make for some fucked up dreams. Perfectly consious dreams no less. I'm not sure how to explain it, but while I was dreaming I felt perfectly 100% awake and aware of my surroundings and the time, and what I was feeling, and how cold I was etc etc etc.

This one sticks out in my mind. There's been a series of dreams like this for the past 2 hours.

I was waiting for Mike at Giant. My grandmother was there inside...working, no less. She said that everytime we're in Giant Frank makes some joke saying he's shocked my boyfriend hasn't bent me over that counter. (frank's mom) She said that she didn't want us having sex in the house (even though we were just talking about sex at the grocery store...) cause she wasn't always around and wanted to make sure that she could trust us. That they're remodeling the house and she's going to be in and house and she really just doesn't want anything unchristian happening. She doesn't want any heathen great-grandchildren. I said "I haven't slept with anybody." and left off the quantifier of "in quite sometime."

So I grabed my Sobe No Fear, and walked outside. While waiting for Mike I walked past this car. This guy with bright orange hair....like ORANGE long and wiery fucking hair was bending over getting something out of his trunk. He twists up, and twists his head an an unnatural way, and his eyes get wide and kind of crazy and through his bright orange mustache, "Hey there WOMAN. I want to make a blood donation in light of your bad heart" and I start to walk away, and he pulls out an IV. I keep backing away, thinking "Where the fuck is Mike?"

My dream flashes to his dad's house. Mike's car is on a lift in the garage and he and his dad are underneith it and someone was asking me how long Mike and I have been together. I said "I'm not sure we're even officially dating. I just know we act like we're together, and as long as he's in the picture, I'm not going to be with anybody else."

Then it flashes back to Giant. And I open my new cell phone inside my pocket (I was wearing the same clothes I was wearing today) and dialed 911, and I wrapped my fingers more tightly around my mace, and then he keeps walking towards me with his eyes wide and head tilted like Stewie's from Family Guy and says to me, "I hope you don't mind if my donation is a little unprotected" and he holds up a broken condom. IN MY DREAM I think to meself "I should grab that knife of Frank's from under my mattress, but it's obvious I'm kind of out of my mind right now, and the other part of my mind would cut me." And then I wake up and think "I gotta get out of this bed."

One of the odd things is that in my dreams, at least tonight, they're silent, except for the small bits of dialogue. That is abnormal for me. There's usually noise. Rain, racheting screwdrivers, paper moving, wind, whatever is going on has noise. Just like real life. But not tonight.

Now I understand why I'm thinking of each of these things. The guy w/ the IV is because they've been taking lots of blood from me. - why he looked like he wants to rape me, I don't know. Maybe on a subconsious level I feel unattractive physically and sexually undesired and feel the only way I'm going to get laid in the near future is if I'm raped. I dunno. - The condom is because earlier in the shower I was thinking about how I have to have a pregnancy test done before my surgery. The head tilt because I was watching Family Guy earlier. Outside of Giant because that's where I was earlier. Waiting for Mike because I did that earlier. GG working @ Giant because she keeps telling me that I should work there...if she likes the place so much, then why doesn't she, ehn? The bright orange hair because I was thinking about my birth dad earlier and he used to have bright orange hair.

Being bent over the counter because...okay, this is a bit of an explaination:

There's this guy we know named Gary Cole. He went to school with Frank's mom. He goes into A+ when Mike is working and loiters and talks about how money is being depreciated and a dollar is only worth 10 cents and then how a dollar is only worth a penny for about an hour and a half. Mike's former roomate is working there and Gary absolutely hates the two of them. Not sure why he hates Mike aside from the fact that Mike is very vocal about thinking he's a retard. Isaac because Isaac turns up the music that Gary hates when Gary walks in the door and bitches about it. Well, earlier Mike was telling me that Gary said to him "So uh I hear you have a new girlfriend now. Uh, yeah, she tells me that she's your girlfriend" meaning me. "Uh, yeah, it's not word of mouth cause she told me that she's your girlfriend. I don't approve, but whatever. If you wanna get drunk and fuck girls in the back room go right ahead" And Mike's like "back room?" "I didn't say anything about the back room. Screw the back room. Do it right here on the counter. It's easy enough. Just bend her over. If you wanna get drunk and fuck girls that's your business. Better you than me."

Now I'm not positive I got the wording on Gary's statments right, but that's pretty damned close.

Furthermore, tonight the shadows in my room look different from usual. AND it's a lot brighter than usual. It's usually very dark, but it wasn't. And I keep going to sleep and forgetting things. It's sort of like I have been blacking out. It's weird. I remember putting down "Timequake" and I remember lying down trying to get comfortable. I also remember the light being on for this. 10 minutes later, my eyes fly open and I am flipping out because my light is off and I don't recall doing that. I still don't recall doing it. It bothers me. The shadows have been weird and creepy. I look towards my closet and there's the shadow of a person on my ceiling, and he is moving a little bit. It's weird.

The really weird part is that while this is one of the strangest nights I've had trying to fall asleep, I completely understand every aspect of my dream. Every little bit. I do. That's not normal for me, and while I feel sort of out of my head, I feel perfectly in my element at the same time. I dunno. Fuck it. This just sucks...a lot. I'm very tired.

Odd night....it really is....And every time I woke up, I started to fall back asleep, and I kept thinking - while I was half awake/half asleep: "sleep isn't good....I'm out of my mind right now......." or "why is that person on my ceiling staring at me?" "am I'm sure I'm alone in here? Doesn't matter...just go to sleep....if someone kills me while I'm sleeping, hey...I'm dead. And if I'm not, I'll be rested. This can only be a good situation...someone can try to kill me....but my new cell phone has anti-theft protection...i can kick some ass....am I sure I turned off my light? who turned off my light?"

This is the most insane I've felt in a very long time. I wish I could describe it more accurately. Gonna attempt this sleep thing again though....

Oh, and let it be noted that I *never* talk to Gary Cole about anything, let alone telling him I'm Mike's girlfriend.

jokes of the day

2006-03-09T15:57:00.000-05:00

Once there was this guy, and he was driving in his car, and all
of a sudden, he sees the Easter Bunny hopping on the road.
Well, he was going too fast, and he didn't hit the brakes in
time, so he hit the Easter Bunny.

He was really upset, and was thinking, "Oh no, what about all
those poor little kids?? What can I do!?" Then, a blonde drove
up in her car, and asked, "What's wrong?" "I hit the Easter
Bunny!!" said the guy. "Oh, I know what to do," said the
blonde, and she went into her car, got a can, and sprayed the
Easter Bunny with it.

A few minutes later, the Easter Bunny got up, hopped a little
bit, turned around and waved, hopped a little, turned around
and waved, and it kept doing that. When the Easter Bunny was
out of sight, the guy turned to the blonde and asked, "Wow, I'm
dying to know what was in that can!!"

"Oh," said the blonde, "It was hair spray. It says, 'Spray on
dead hair for permanent wave.'"
____________________________

There are three guys stranded on their boat in the middle of
the ocean. The next morning they wash up on the shore of some
canibal indians that make boats out of thier skins.When the
three guys get there the indians give them each three
wishes. The first guy wishes for a huge Christmas-like dinner.So
he gets one . Then they eat him.The second guy wishes for
nothing.So they eat him too. Then the last guy wishes for a
fork. So they give him a fork. Then he stabs himself to
death. Right before he dies he says "I hope your boat sinks."

I hate my fucking profession holy fuck

2006-03-08T12:04:00.000-05:00

I am so fucking tired of being critisized for what I do. I mean really. This guy is offering web services "dirt cheap" and it's degrading. It really is. What he is offering is really....just....crap. It really is, and it is making the internet ugly...sites like that bring down the entire fucking profession. And I said so, and this other guy yells at ME bitching about MY site using FRAMES. I'm so fucking tired of being judged in my line of work. I really am. I am tired of justifying what I do and the way I do it to people who have shitty web skills. I have seriously considered bagging the whole thing just because I don't want to deal with this shit anymore. I shouldn't have to explain why I do what I do. And yah, frames may not be unique, but fuck. They work, and it saves a lot of goddamn time updating the site when you need to go change the fucking navigation. I dread changing the navigation for www.hardlight.org every time I change it because I have to change every single page on the entire goddamn website and that's a pain in the ass.

I'm so frusterated right now. I really am. I'm so tired of this shit. Ever since I started I've been getting bitched at by all sorts of people for what I do and why I do it. I'm seriously considering scrapping the whole deal.

Fucking assholes. You know my sites may not be the best sites on the internet. They may not be the most creative, but at least I found something I enjoy doing that also provides a little bit of income. That's more than a lot of people ever find in life.

SCOTT TRAVIS TURNEY

2006-03-08T09:40:00.000-05:00

Age 24, died unexpectedly on a hike up Atalaya Mountain on Sunday,
March 5, 2006.

Scott was an avid outdoor person and spent much of his free time
exploring its beauty and absorbing its peace.

Scott attended Santa Fe Community College where he had earned an
Associates Degree. In the coming fall, he was planning to continue his
education and love of philosophy and religion at the University of
Washington.

Scott is survived by his parents: Tom and Pat Turney of Santa Fe;
grandparents: Mary Turney of Santa Fe and Lloyd and Julia Melick of
Placitas; and many aunts, uncles and cousins. He also leaves behind his
cherished and loving girlfriend, Hayley Waller.

Arrangements are pending under the direction of Berardinelli Family
Funeral Service, 1399 Luisa Street, Santa Fe NM 87505. 984-8600.

fuck

2006-03-08T09:12:00.000-05:00

I didn't believe it's true. I wouldn't let myself believe it....Not whole heartedly.... but here it is.

http://www.freenewmexican.com/news/40446.html

Death Notices, 03/08/2006

print | email this story

By THE NEW MEXICAN
March 8, 2006

Epimenio D. Baca, 49, Santa Fe, Feb. 24

Michael J. Maloof, 75, March 5

Dorace McKibben, 100, Feb. 22

Frankie P. Montoya, 57

Pete A. Sanchez, 88, March 4

Scott T. Turney, 24, March 5

Eloy G. Vigil, 56, March 5

Elvira G. Zapata, 91, March 5

whoa

2006-03-07T19:41:00.000-05:00

I went to K-Mart earlier. Looking for a lamp to replace mine as it keeps blowing bulbs. I get back and GG tells me that Edward called. Edward wasn't calling to argue. Actually he was calling to tell me that someone I know died. Scott. I just....I can't believe it. I'm stunned. We were actually kind of close. I know all these things about him. Dreams, feelings, thoughts. Perspectives. He was hiking and died of an unknown heart problem.

I want to call him...or email him...or just go philosophise over coffee with him like we used to do. Probably because I know that I can't.

I know it's selfish to cry when someone dies. My tears aren't for Scott. They're for me because I feel as though there's a void now....an emptiness that wasn't there before. I'm crying out of pity for myself...because of what I feel I lost. It's quite selfish, I know.

Scott wasn't much older than me. He's only 24. He's a baby. It really puts your own mortality into perspective when someone so close to you emotionally and someone so close to your age dies. He was a healthy person...well apparently not *that* healthy. But still. I honestly wonder if it wasn't the drugs that did him in. He was always doing something. Last time we talked he was popping oxy. He loved to do drugs and then go hiking. He wanted to take me to Zion. Shit went down, and we never went...I kind of wish we did.

He was accepted to a university in Scotland and planned on moving there this year. Majoring in theology. That was his dream as long as I've known him. He wanted so much to know what happened next. I guess now he knows.

This cracks me up.

2006-03-07T04:22:00.000-05:00

Bloodhound Gang....alright, absolutely terrible band. But they're catchy and funny shit no less. This song cracks me up. "Three Point One Four."

My last girlfriend didn't like me thought she might be,
Most likely a dyke she just didn't excite me,
Lefty? Yeah but that was alright,
She was hotter than the sun but she just wasn't that bright,
My mistake she was more flaky than a leper colony,
I think a wooden clothespin would have been much better company,
Ass like a donkey acting funky gave her "L" now she's a flunky,
So my love for her died quicker than a batch of Sea Monkeys,
Early bird gets the worm spread your legs or spread the word,
So what if I'm not the smartest peanut in the turd,
I'm white which goes with everything but I can come in any color,
And I'm looking for the kind of girl that reminds me of my mother,
But it's hard to find a girl with a viper tattooed on her tushy,
And how many girls do you know that can play the harmonica with their pussies?
Like em' easy and hot and sweet like a Rice Krispie Treat, gee,
You know what I really want in a girl? Me.

And this is just the best....pacman on crack.

Yo yo yo yo yo! What it is motherfuckers?
Aw shit, here comes Pac-Man.
Hey Pac-Man, what's up?
Me you bitches! I'm high on crack! Wanna freebase?
No Pac-Man drugs are bad!
Nope can't help you man.
Pussies. Whoa! Holy shit!

weekend update

2006-03-06T17:12:00.000-05:00

Well, fuck. I don't remember much of my weekend.

Oh, Friday night I just sat around and shot the shit w/ Justin. I think that's all I did. I don't particularly remember. Uhm. Yeah, I just shot the shit all night w/ various folks.

Saturday...................... Oh, Saturday night Mike, Ashley, Manda and I went to Dani's. That was an interesting night. I went to the rink and got my brother, brought him over. Frank ended up being really sick. Poor guy. Everybody felt awful that he was so sick. I went over to Mike's after Dani's for a bit. Ike and Tanya showed up, and Nick and one of his friends. Ike got the wise idea to throw things INTO the fan. Like knives. That kind of stuff. I went to get Frank and take him home, and between the time I left, and the time I got back, apx 30 minutes, the apartment had been turned into an ice chest.

Well then Jimmy walks into Mike's room and.....yeah.

Jimmy - "I don't care if you guys are fucking or whatever. What's the number for A+?"
(it should be noted, we weren't doing anything)
Me - "Uhm, hold on, why?"
Jimmy - "Cause I need to call Isaac and apologize. He's going to kill me. Just gimme the number before I start randomly dialing people."

So I give him the number. Mike's rolling laughing his ass off. Here's the end of the conversation that we got:

Jimmy - "Isaac? Hey, it's Jimmy. Uhm....yeah. I gotta tell you something. You're gonna be mad. It should be noted, that I'm really fucking hammered. I'm calling to tell you that I broke all your Metallica CD's. I'm willing to pay for all the damages. I left $140 on your coffee table....I'm not sure why dude. I'm really hammered....well they started playing Metallica and it pissed me off.... yeah I have this no Metallica rule tonight and they broke it....yeah....every time they put one in the CD player...yeah...I took it out and snapped it. I'm paying for all the damages, don't worry. I left enough money for you to buy multiple copies of each CD I broke....no, I don't think I broke that one. Sixteen hundred dollars for a goddamn Metallica CD?! Dude it's just a fucking CD. What's wrong with you? Yes...yeah she's here. ASHLEY! YOUR BOYFRIEND WANTS TO TALK TO YOU. Yeah....okay....shut up dude, I'm paying for all the damages. I'm really drunk, and I'm sorry. I'm giving you enough money to get 2 copies of each one I broke alright? I just took massive amounts of money out of my wallet to pay for the damages."

Mike and I are laughing while this is going on. It's fucking hillarious. It should be noted that Jimmy, while broke a bunch of Metallica CD's intentionally is a great guy, and absolutely hillarious.

Then Sunday I ended up in the hospital. I went to bed, and I woke up with terrible chest pain. It was so bad that it woke me up out of a sound sleep and I was SHIVERING. I called Mike and he took me to the hospital. I wasn't going to go, but Dad reminded me that the doc said to go when it started fluttering. FOR 20 FUCKING MINUTES they wouldn't treat me. They made me do paperwork instead. 20 fucking minutes! By the time they got me back to treat me it had stopped. The doctor was a complete moron and wouldn't listen to me. I heard the nurse say to the guy who let me into the ER "She just has atrial fib. She'll be fine."

Fucking retards. I was sooooo pissed. They released me after an hour and a half.

My surgery is in the beginning of April. I talked to the woman today and they scheduled me for March 22nd. I cancelled it because my mother is taking 2 weeks off from work to fly out here and be here for the operation. She can't be here on March 22nd. So they're calling me tomorrow with a date in the beginning of April.

heh

2006-03-03T22:42:00.000-05:00

In downtown Roanoke, at a crowded bus stop, a good friend of
mine was waiting for her bus. She's very attractive and was
decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight
leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became
her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too
tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first
step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver
she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking
that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again
she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she
still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her
and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time
attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she
could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped
the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was
unable to make the step.

About this time a big burly man that was behind her in the line
picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on
the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned to the
would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch me!! I
don't even know who you are!"

At this, the big guy drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would
agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I
kinda figured that we were friends."

Off To See The Lizard - Jimmy Buffett

2006-03-03T22:27:00.000-05:00

I was raised by a maid who came from Martinique
She wore geckos around her neck and bracelets on her feet
A superstitious woman from the land of sugar cane
She'd sing the sun to bed and dance out in the rain
Dance out, dance out, dance out in the rain

She'd excite us with a legend that the Africans told
About a red iguanna who turned lava into gold
We'd mount an expedition heading up into the bay
Superstitious children playing pirate for the day

Chorus:
Off to see the lizard
Off to see the lizard
Deja deja deja vu
Believe it and it will come true
Veja veja veja du
What works for me might work for you

Being rich an famous seems to have its ups and downs
But that's the price you pay for being troubadours and clowns
Godzilla's halitosis it be vaporizing cars
Elvis up in Michigan or maybe out on Mars
Dance out, dance out, dance out to the stars

But living in the briar patch ain't what it appears
Sooner or later you've got to face your fears
I heard it from the parrot verbalizing in the tree
I heard in the songline of the aborigine

Chorus:
Off to see the lizard
Off to see the lizard
Deja deja deja vu
Believe it and it will come true
Veja veja veja du
What works for me might work for you

Does it work for me? (yeah, yeah)
Will it work for you? (yeah, yeah)
If you believe it will (yeah, yeah)
It will come true (yeah, yeah)

I got problems with my brain underneath my curls
Problems with Loraine and all the other girls
Love a wealthy woman and the pretty plane she flys
If you think this sounds confusing you should see it through my eyes
Dancing, dancing, dancing through my eyes

I'm turning off the waterfall the tourists can go home
I feel it time to travel take time to write a poem
Time to seek some therapy I'm going walkabout
Answers are the easy part, questions raise the doubt

Chorus:
Off to see the lizard
Off to see the lizard
Deja deja deja vu
Believe it and it will come true
Veja veja veja du
What works for me might work for you

Deja deja deja vu
Believe it and it will come true
Veja veja veja du
What works for me will work for you

cutest little gift

2006-03-03T11:54:00.000-05:00

Mike gave me the cutest thing ever. I get into his car on Tuesday on the way to his granpa's funeral and he hands me this piggi. And I thought it was adorable because it's a piggi with a fez. I absolutely love piggis, but a fez'd piggi is just adorable.

Turns out, it's a piggi lighter!!!! He hands it to me and says "I know you don't smoke, but you have incense you can light with this. I remember you saying you like pigs." It's adorable in a demonic piggi sort of way. You push down the fez and flames come out of the piggi's nose, and it's a refillable butane lighter, and you refill it by sticking the butane up the piggi's ass. lmao. Whenever Mike lights a cigarette with it he bursts out laughing saying "HA! Cancer is cute!"

It's adorable and it made me really happy. wow....I'm easy to please.

My cardiologist apointment went well. I am going to go through a bunch more tests and then they're going to put wires into my heart and then do surgery if it's needed at the point they have the wires in my heart. The surgery consists of taking this wire thingy and snaking it into my heart and freezing off the part of my heart that's causing the problem.

I love my cardiologist. He's so cool. He has a lot of funny little quirks. He's from eastern Europe. He forgets little words here and there like "it" and "is" so his sentences come out like "sounds like very serious problem then no? very strange to see very serious atrial fib in a woman your age. very strange."

Anyway, he made me feel very comfortable about the operation. Which is good. I'm not worried about the proceedure or anything. The only thing that really concerns me is that it won't do any good and the whole ordeal will just be a waste of time. But on that note, at least then I'll know that it's not really an option.

Few days update

2006-02-28T01:26:00.000-05:00

Well, Fred and I are honest and truly no more. It's for the better...it really is. Towards the end, about the last month, it's felt like a chore instead of a "relationship" (such as it was). I absolutely adore him. I really do, but this really isn't a good place for us to be together. I have confidence that we will remain friends. It's kind of hard though because I do genuinly care about him....I'm sure, on some level, that I just closed myself off towards the whole situation emotionally because subconsiously I thought he'd undoubtly hurt me.

In other news, Mike's grandfather died, and I've been spending a lot of time with him doing the emotional support thing. He hasn't said it, but I can tell things have been kind of hard for him, and he needs all the support he can get.

It's kind of hard for me to be giving other people emotional support when I've had a hard enough time dealing with my own issues lately. My heart situation is really difficult for me to deal with right now. What with being hospitalized and potentially needing surgery. I go see the cardiologist in the morning and we'll figure things out from there.

I hope to remain positive. I've been doing pretty good so far. I have faith that everything will work out exactly as it should. I've done some fucked up things in my life, but I wouldn't change a thing. Every decision has led me to this; has led to now. It all taught me something valuable. If this problem with my heart can give me strength and teach me something, I have faith in myself to endure the journey. I am strong and resiliant. I shall be fine.

I was thinking on it yesterday and I'm really not afraid to die. I mean, shit, what do I have to be afraid of? As far as I can tell, once I die, it'll be over. Not much to be scared of there. But I am really scared of hurting the people I care about. Or making them worry. I don't want to be in the hospital, or have any health problems that would cause a burden for the people I love. I am scared of my death causing people pain. But unless I completely close myself off from the world and society as I know it, that's inevitable.

I've come to terms with the fact that if things with my heart go ary, it is out of my control, ultimately. This problem I have is midly life-threatening. Everything happens for a reason, and there are forces at work here that are beyond me. All I can do is continue to have the strength to endure; not to give up, and not to take the easy way out. Whatever happens tomorrow...whatever we decide, is ultimately for the better, and all I, or anybody else can do, is remain aware of the fact that everything has a greater purpose that we may not yet understand.

2006-02-25T15:59:00.000-05:00

www.spitalian.com this dude is fucking psycho.

women are evil

2006-02-24T14:52:00.000-05:00

Interestingly enough, I walked into a gas station last night and just started shooting the shit w/ Mike and Frank. This guy came in there ranting about how women are horrible, and the worse addiction on the face of the planet. They're evil, and make his life miserable. "If I stuck with pot instead of pussy, I'd be fucking lonely. I'd be spending a lot of time waxing the willy, but dude, I'd be as high as a fucking kite and I'd be happy because I wouldn't have some bitch trying to fuck it all up."

weekend

2006-02-24T10:06:00.000-05:00

Well I thought I was going to Boston this weekend, but plans changed, and all things considered, it's just fucking easier not to go. I'm not really too upset about it either because it made my night a *lot* less stressful not to go up there. It's really kind of cool if you think about it in those terms.

I'm feeling better to the point where I think I can skate, so I think I'm going to go do that for a couple hours tonight with my bro. I'm not entirely sure though. I feel really weak right now. Very tired. I only got 4 hours of sleep. For the past few days this week I've woken up at 8:30, wide the fuck awake. I look at the clock and think "what the fuck am I doing awake right now?!....fuck this" and I go back to bed. Well yeah, that woulda been cool today, but 9:30, after I had done this, my granmother walks in with the phone. It's my doctor's office, calling to confirm my apointment for Tuesday.

I sleep naked. I get off the phone w/ them, and I get out of bed to take it back to the kitchen and in walks my granma, and she basically just stands there chatting with me while I'm walking around my room naked trying to find my bathrobe.

It could have been worse. It could have been Joe, Frank, Rich, Dad, or....well, a lot of people. At least it's my granmother, but fuck. It was kind of rude to just stand there and stare at me while I'm naked.

omg my night got so much better

2006-02-24T00:35:00.000-05:00

I had an obnoxious fucking night with work, and using Stumble Upon, I found this site that has rants about things that really happened to this guy while he was working tech support. It made me much happier.

Tech Support: "Yeah, just go to our website it's at www.[our company].com...yeah, three w's, then a dot, then [our company], then a dot then 'com'...yeah, that's right. . . . What do you mean, how do you spell 'dot'?"

I work for a small ISP. One day I received a phone call from a very angry customer who switched to us from another provider. He had problems installing our software. It took a long time to walk him through fixing the problems, because he had no computer skills (even though he was a programmer for the last 30 years) and rarely did what I asked him to.

I thought I actually made him happy until he asked me to change his Yahoo username and password. He assumed that since we provide access to the web page that we must control it as well. To this day I still hear that he calls in from time to time to yell at other techs because they won't change his Yahoo username and password.

Emailed to the owner of this web page:

I got here by some nefarious route. I was trying to get to [an email address] or other similar sites. I distinctly dislike being hijacked in cyberspace to see something I did not ask to see. If this happens again I will make a formal complaint to my local federal district attorney. Thank you. Do not do this again.

Two students, who had spent the better part of their class hour bragging about their computer skills, were becoming increasingly frustrated while browsing the Internet. They were trying to access a site that didn't exist, but they were absolutely convinced the trouble was something else.

Student #1: "The damn keyboard locked up again!!!"

Actually, a page was loading.

Student #2: "Here, you have to pull the wires out." (yanks network wires out of the back) "When that happens, just pull those wires out and shove 'em back in. Does it work now?"
Student #1: "No, it says, 'Reading File...Done.'"
Student #2: "Oh, ok...that means your keyboard server is down. There's nothing you can do about it."

I'm a high school senior. One day, we were partnered with another class to do an Internet project. Web site design is a hobby of mine, so I happily displayed one of my pages to my partner in Internet Explorer. My partner, in a vain attempt to scare me or tease me or something, highlighted all the text on the web page and threatened to delete it.

A friend of mine just bought a new computer and asked me to show him how to download programs off the web. The poor guy is completely clueless with anything computer related. I showed him a couple of the more popular sites and started a download. While waiting, I made the comment about how slow telephone access can be. He sat there staring at the paper sheet icon move between the world and folder icons for a few moments, and then said: "Well if you move the folder closer to the Earth, then the program won't have so far to travel, and it'll download faster." I nearly fell out of my chair laughing.

ha I love life.

2006-02-21T18:18:00.000-05:00

A man creates a hydrogen bomb for the paranoid Soviet Union. He makes sure it works, and later on in life wins a Nobel Peace Prize. This is the late physicist Andrei Sakharov. He won the Nobel Prize in '75 for demanding a halt to the testing of weapons, AFTER he had tested his. His wife was a pediatrician. What sort of person could perfect a hydrogen bomb while being married to a child specialist? What kind of doctor would stay with a mate that cracked? "Anything interesting happen at work today honey?" "Yeah, my bomb is doing just great. How are you doing with that kid with chicken pox?"

One Word

2006-02-18T15:27:00.000-05:00

Today's One Word is: Hush

hush, she thought, looking at the bare indian man sitting on the edge of her bed. look at me, one last time, but don't speak. it'll ruin the perfection...it will ruin the solitude of the melding mortal serenity. just wait in silence, eyes fixed on each other, it reflects the pain so well, knowing this will be the last time she holds him. but we're not done. we are connected....hush, she tells him, putting her hand over his mouth, don't think, just feel. express me.

old posts

2006-02-17T05:09:00.000-05:00

lmao my brother is a fucking loon. I'm looking through my old Xanga and I found this shit.

Joey: do you know any black folk?
squishedlizard: black folk? lmao. Where are we? South Carolina?
Joey: lol not yet
squishedlizard: hahaha
Joey: but do you know any?
squishedlizard: yeah.
Joey: do they all have low riders?
squishedlizard: lol no
Joey: ok
Joey: i love me some good respectable black folk

liz@hidden:~$ lol
-bash: lol: command not found

x: blue balls is a myth in my book
squishedlizard: huh.
squishedlizard: I've known guys w/ blue balls.
x: how do you mean? the color?
squishedlizard: well, yes...that too.
squishedlizard: But not what I was talking about.

I forgot about these ideas for my comic. I'm glad I wrote them down.

Jumbolieya. Haven't decided if he's a fish or a frog. But either way, he has magical powers. He might be a dif. creature all together. He might even be somewhat human. Yes, I think so. I think he is human. And the way you summon him is by screaming JUMBOLIEYA, and he appears. He has a friend:

Ubuntu. (yes, I stole the name...) Is a frog and his magical powers lie in his wig. e looks like gandalf because of his magical white wig. That's what he does. He kind of reads fortunes.

Ubuntu & Jumbolieya are friends, and they go around together helping people.

But they have to help, over and over again, this caracter called Hard-On, (or something equal to that) who aways asks why he smells like Broccoli. One day, he discovers his mom's corpse, in the kitchen, surrounded by Broccoli, and he has an epiphiny.

In addition to Hard-On, we have Cocksocker... not the cocksocker you're thinking of who runs around punching people in the balls, but the midget who runs around, breaking into peoples houses at nights, with his lock picking set and a hot glue gun, gluing socks on people's dicks.

One word

2006-02-17T05:01:00.000-05:00

Today's OneWord is: Unfold

quietly she sits and waits looking for the truth. calmly she wonders when it's going to unfold inside her mind. it's hard, she realizes, to have clarity when all around you is mud. emotions or maybe strangled dreams fight with the desire and the feelings to abandon all that is beautiful and sacred, but she waits just the same for that phone call, or maybe surprise visit that will redeam her soul from a lifetime of enlightenment.

Fred's Flowers

2006-02-17T04:45:00.000-05:00

Fred got me good on V-day. lol Well, not V-day. I was sick and in bed all day on Valentine's Day. But yesterday I went to see him, and he walked me home last night. I walked into my room, and I don't have a light switch in my room. I just have a lamp, and I was fumbling around in the dark. I looked at my chair and thought "I didn't put that stuff there" and then to my bed and thought "I didn't make my bed....I'm not that sick..." and I turned on my light. He made my bed, and sitting on my bed are two bouquets of flowers, and in between them, is my teddy bear resting on a box of chocolate.

I went to my grandmother and said "What the hell happened to my room?!" I was sooooo un suspecting. I didn't know for sure if Fred was the one who did that or not because it's like my mom to do something like that to fuck with me. There was no note or anything. No card.

I called him up and I said "You're a sneaky fucking bastard you know that?" and I heard Danielle in the background say "He's sneaky? You came into the house while we were sleeping and engineered a scavenger hunt!"

iTunes on Shuffle

2006-02-16T16:18:00.000-05:00

I fucking love this....

I never before put iTunes on shuffle....not my whole library anyway, just playlists. I like this. This is so cool. I have over 1660 songs, so it's like having a radio station of things that I like. It's pretty sweet.

What was played so far today:

Dean Martin - I Left My Heart (In San Francisco)
Creedence - Cotton Fields
Robert Johnson - Hell Hound On My Tail
Static X - The Only
Thrill Kill Kult - Sex On Wheels
Billy Joel - Piano Man
John Lee Hooker - I Got A Good Un
The Commadores - Brick House
Bee Gee's - Stayin' Alive
Seal - Crazy
Sade - The Sweetest Taboo
Nina Simone - Ain't Got No
Kid Koala - I Like My Beats
KMFDM - Mysterious Ways
Deftones - Roots
Rolling Stones - Jumping Jack Flash
Jet - Are You Going To Be My Girl
Deftones - RX Queen
Rage Against The Machine - Fist Full of Steel
Metallica - One
INXS - New Sensation
Slayer - Jesus Saves
James Taylor - Carolina In My Mind
John Williams - Revenge Of The Sith
Garth Brooks - Much Too Young

random spam

2006-02-15T04:16:00.000-05:00

From: "Cathryn Cornelius"
To: liz@squishedlizard.net
Subject: Fucking St.Valentine

What are you to do if you have bad erection? Especially
in the forthcoming Saint Valentines Day???
Don t worry, it is not the last of pea-time...
The most simple way is to visit our site, order the
medication and that is all you are to do!

Do not kill the clock!

http://celarsan.com/

Favourite Bushism's

2006-02-15T03:47:00.000-05:00

"I don't have a calendar on my desk, that beautiful desk, that says, by such-and-such a date, you will be finished. That's not how I think."

"I, I don't know -- Bono came in and dropped this new iPod off... Lightweight. Crank it on, and you shuffle the shuffle."

"I think [Ambassador Zoellick] deserves a lot of credit. But don't give him any until he describes exactly what he did to you."

"You know, it's amazing, when people say to me, well, he was just breaking the law. If I wanted to break the law, why the hell was I briefin' Congress? Heh!"

"So that's how I view the 59th session of the U.N. General Assembly. It's an honor to be here. It's great to see mis amigos, my friends."

"Some say give it [the Federal Budget Surplus] to the taxpayers who pay the bills. That some is George W. Bush."

"My pro-life position is I believe there's life. It's not necessarily based in religion. I think there's a life there, therefore the notion of life, liberty and pursuit of happiness."

"Not only do I want you to remember September the 11th, but I want you to think about Indonesia, and the attack on our Marines in Kuwait, the attack on a French freighter. I mean, they're out there. And the only way to deal with them -- and by the way, I've come to the conclusion, and I hope you have, that therapy is not going to work."

"As you can probably see I was injured myself, not here at the hospital but in combat with a cedar tree. I eventually won."

Rob Hahn: Holy shit, this man needs duct tape.

lmao

2006-02-15T03:35:00.000-05:00

Man, that'd suck.

2006-02-15T03:26:00.000-05:00

Cheney victim has mild heart attack after shotgun pellets travels to his heart
By LYNN BREZOSKY

CORPUS CHRISTI, Texas (AP) - The 78-year-old lawyer who was shot by Vice President Dick Cheney in a hunting accident suffered a mild heart attack after a shotgun pellet in his chest traveled to his heart, hospital officials said.

Harry Whittington was immediately moved back to the intensive care unit and will be watched for a week to make sure more of the metal pellets do not reach other vital organs. He was reported in stable condition.

Whittington suffered a "silent heart attack" Tuesday obstructed blood flow, but without the classic heart-attack symptoms of pain and pressure, according to doctors at Christus Spohn Hospital Corpus Christi-Memorial in Texas.

The doctors said they decided to treat the situation conservatively and leave the pellet alone rather than operate to remove it. They said they are highly optimistic Whittington will recover and live a healthy life with the pellet in him.

Asked whether the pellet could move farther into his heart and become fatal, hospital officials said that was a hypothetical question they could not answer.

Hospital officials said they were not concerned about the six to 200 other tiny pieces of birdshot that might still be lodged in Whittington's body.

Cheney watched the news conference where doctors described Whittington's complications. Then the vice president called him, wished him well and asked if there was anything that he needed.

"The vice president said that he stood ready to assist. Mr. Whittington's spirits were good, but obviously his situation deserves the careful monitoring that his doctors are providing," the vice president's office said in a statement.

Cheney, an experienced hunter, has not spoken publicly about the accident, which took place Saturday night while the vice president was aiming for a quail. Critics of President George W. Bush's administration called for more answers from Cheney himself.

Whittington has said through hospital officials that he does not want to comment on the shooting. A young man at Whittington's Austin home who identified himself as his grandson said Tuesday he did not have time to talk to a reporter and closed the door.

The furor over the accident and the White House delay in making it public are "part of the secretive nature of this administration," said Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid of Nevada. "I think it's time the American people heard from the vice president."

Before hospital officials announced details of Whittington's condition, the hunting accident had produced a raft of Cheney jokes on late-night television.

Hospital officials said they knew that Whittington had some birdshot near his heart and that there was a chance it could move closer since scar tissue had not had time to harden and hold the pellet in place.

After Whittington developed an irregular heartbeat, doctors performed a cardiac catheterization, in which a thin, flexible tube is inserted into the heart, to diagnose his condition, said Peter Banko, the administrator at the hospital.

The shot was either touching or embedded in the heart muscle near the top chambers, called the atria, officials said. Two things resulted:

It caused inflammation that pushed on the heart in a way to temporarily block blood flow, what the doctors called a "silent heart attack." This is not a traditional heart attack where an artery is blocked. They said Whittington's arteries, in fact, were healthy.

It irritated the atria, caused an irregular heartbeat known as atrial fibrillation, which is not immediately life-threatening. But it must be treated because it can spur blood clots to form. Most cases can be corrected with medication.

White House physicians helped advise on the course of treatment, hospital officials said.

Texas officials said the shooting was an accident and no charges were brought against the vice president.

A Texas Parks and Wildlife Department report issued Monday said Whittington was retrieving a downed bird and stepped out of the hunting line he was sharing with Cheney. "Another covey was flushed and Cheney swung on a bird and fired, striking Whittington in the face, neck and chest at approximately 30 yards (27.4 meters)," the report said.

___

Associated Press Writer Nedra Pickler contributed to this report from Washington.

brothels

2006-02-14T17:40:00.000-05:00

While I was slacking off from work last night, Frank and I ended up spending a few hours chatting in a mini-mart with Mike. Somehow, we got on the topic of sex, and Mike mentioned hearing about a drive through brothel. While I haven't been able to find any specific locations on said drive-through brothel, through hours of google, I was able to asertian that most drive through brothels are in Holland.

However, if you're ever in Vienna and feeling frisky, you should call Erotik-Taxi. This mobile brothel sends out a black Cadillac at the high cost of $250 per hour. This service comes with a chauffer, call-girl/boy, porn, and condoms. The taxi takes a spin around Vienna showing you all the wonderful sites of the city, although I can't imagine the people inside would be paying too much attention to the sights. Vienna Erotik Taxi is owned by www.fetish.at, and is hard to find if you're not in Vienna.

"They're busy making out en route, they haven't got time to take in the sights," said the manager of Vienna Erotik Taxi and the Sweet Dreams escort and modelling agency, who asked to be identified only as Albert. "People come to us because we offer a thrilling alternative to sex at home or in a hotel," he said. Most of the clients are businessmen, who use the service to pick them up at the airport or ferry them around the city between appointments. With the going rate for a house call at $180 an hour, Albert feels his service offers good value at only $70 more. - Reuters

In other news, in an archelogical dig in 1999 archaelogists found the remains of a 19th century brothel owned by Mary Hall only 4 blocks from Capitol Hill in Washington DC.

The first substantial dwelling in Reservation C was a large, three-story, brick dwelling erected in Lot 12 by Mary Ann Hall. According to census records, Hall was a single woman who was in her early twenties at the time she built this large dwelling. The 1840 census indicated that she lived in the house with four other women who were also in their twenties, a free black woman in her late twenties or early thirties, and a black male between the ages of 10 and 24 who was a slave. Although it is not stated in the census, later documentation verifies that Mary Ann Hall was a prostitute, and her large house was a brothel.Mary Ann Hall built her brothel in a convenient location near the U.S. Capitol Building in a city known for its large population of transient men who came from all over the country, usually unaccompanied by women, to transact business in the national capital.

Tax records show that Mary Hall prospered during her first decade in business, the value of her property doubling between 1840 and 1850 and her personal property increasing by more than thirty percent.

Although little published information survives about Mary Ann Hall's brothel or about prostitution in general in nineteenth-century Washington, Hall probably operated her establishment in a manner similar to the high-class "parlor houses" common in New York City at the time. The typical parlor house served men of wealth and distinction in a discreet and elegant environment, each transaction beginning with a shared bottle of champagne provided, at an exorbitant price, by the house. The prostitutes who worked in these houses were noted for their youth, beauty, and social refinement.

In a rare nineteenth-century publication entitled Mysteries and Miseries of America's Great Cities, a full chapter is devoted to illicit activities in Washington, D.C. In the book, the author implies that the nature of Washington as the national capital offered high-class prostitutes additional business opportunities, because they could be hired to use their charms to influence the passage of particular laws on the floors of Congress. If they succeeded, they were rewarded handsomely by the corporate interests who derived benefits from the legislation (Figure 3). - NMAI

dildos

2006-02-14T16:44:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I got bored and thinking of Frank's birthday gift, I started checking out dildos. I found this rabbit one that looks like it has rabbit ears. And I found this one called:

Hi-Tech Lickin' Lizard.

Decription: Get Licked and LOVE IT!

* Ridged Jelly Shaft Rotates!
* Flicking Tongue Excites Clitoris!
* Swirling Pearls Stroke Vaginal Lips!
* Micro-Chip = Custom Orgasms!

It's a dildo....with a MICRO CHIP inside it. Now, maybe it's just me, but this seems like an incredible waste of technology. We can put micro chips in dildos, but we can't make a robot that will take verbal orders and clean the house. Maybe it's just me, but seems like our society has priorities a little screwed up...they'd rather cum than have a clean house.

American Dad Quotes Episode 208

2006-02-13T03:53:00.000-05:00

Roger wants to be famous and loved - So does Stan - Steve didn't care too much for it at first, but hey, everyone loves fame and blind love from the ignorant masses, right?

Also, putting an entire innocent family on the ground at gunpoint is just PRECIOUS!

Francine just wants to look good...

"If I American't teach you about it, I have a friend who Ameriwill!"

"Bush appoints Stephen King as administrator of terrorism."

Stan - "MY GOD Francine, your roots are showing!"
Francine - "I know. My hairdresser lost his touch when he decided he's straight. Apparently it is a choice."

lol Stan is getting held up by a clown with a knife that's hitting on him.

Steve "I had rooms full of girl on girl action." and you see these two girls in bras playing chess.

Okay, I just saw an ape in a kilt playing the bag pipes.

this made my day

2006-02-13T02:35:00.000-05:00

FUCKING RIGHT!!!!!!! I DARE YOU TO TELL ME THIS FUCKER ISN'T EVIL! HE JUST SHOT SOMEONE! "ACCIDENTLY" BULLSHIT!!! ACCIDENTAL MY ASS!

U.S. vice president Cheney accidentally shoots fellow hunter in Texas
By LYNN BREZOSKY

CORPUS CHRISTI, Texas (AP) - Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and wounded a companion during a weekend quail hunting trip in Texas, spraying the fellow hunter in the face and chest with shotgun pellets.

Harry Whittington, a millionaire attorney from Austin, was in stable condition in the intensive care unit of a Corpus Christi hospital Sunday.

"He is stable and doing well. It was almost like he was spending time with me in my living room," said hospital administrator Peter Banko, who visited Whittington.

Banko said Whittington was in the intensive care unit because his condition warranted it, but he didn't elaborate. Whittington sent word through a hospital official that he would have no comment on the incident out of respect for Cheney.

The accident occurred Saturday at a ranch in south Texas where the vice president and several companions were hunting quail. It was not reported publicly by the vice president's office for nearly 24 hours, and then only after it was reported locally by the Corpus Christi Caller-Times on its Web site Sunday.

Katharine Armstrong, the ranch's owner, said Sunday that Cheney was using a 28-gauge shotgun and that Whittington was about 30 yards (meters) away when he was hit in the cheek, neck and chest.

Each of the hunters was wearing a bright orange vest at the time, Armstrong told reporters at the ranch about 60 miles (100 kilometers) southwest of Corpus Christi. She said Whittington was "alert and doing fine."

"He is very, very lucky that nothing seriously was injured," Sally Whittington said in a story in Sunday's online edition of The Dallas Morning News. She said her father was being observed because of swelling from some of the welts on his neck.

"It looks like chicken pox, kind of," she said of her father's face.

Armstrong told The Associated Press emergency personnel traveling with Cheney tended to Whittington before an ambulance routinely on call because of the vice president's presence took him to a hospital in Kingsville. From there, Whittington was flown by helicopter to Corpus Christi about 40 miles (65 kilometers) away.

Cheney's spokeswoman, Lea Anne McBride, said the vice president met with Whittington at the hospital on Sunday. Cheney "was pleased to see that he's doing fine and in good spirits," she said.

Armstrong said she was watching from a car while Cheney, Whittington and another hunter got out of the vehicle to shoot at a covey of quail.

Whittington shot a bird and went to retrieve it in the tall grass, while Cheney and the third hunter walked to another spot and discovered a second covey.

Whittington "came up from behind the vice president and the other hunter and didn't signal them or indicate to them or announce himself," Armstrong said.

"The vice president didn't see him," she continued. "The covey flushed and the vice president picked out a bird and was following it and shot. And by god, Harry was in the line of fire and got peppered pretty good."

Whittington has been a private practice attorney in Austin since 1950 and has long been active in Texas Republican politics. He's been appointed to several state boards, including when then-Gov. George W. Bush named him to the Texas Funeral Service Commission.

McBride said the vice president's office did not tell reporters about the accident Saturday because they were deferring to Armstrong to handle the announcement of what happened on her property. Armstrong called the local paper about the incident on Sunday.

Armstrong, owner of the Armstrong Ranch where the accident occurred, said Whittington was bleeding after he was shot and Cheney was very apologetic.

"It broke the skin," she said of the shotgun pellets. "It knocked him silly. But he was fine. He was talking. His eyes were open. It didn't get in his eyes or anything like that.

"Fortunately, the vice president has got a lot of medical people around him and so they were right there and probably more cautious than we would have been," she said. "The vice president has got an ambulance on call, so the ambulance came."

Cheney is an avid hunter who makes annual trips to South Dakota to hunt pheasants. He also travels frequently to Arkansas to hunt ducks, among other places.

Armstrong said Cheney is a longtime friend who comes to the ranch to hunt about once a year and is "a very safe sportsman." She said Whittington is a regular, too, but she thought it was the first time the two men hunted together.

"This is something that happens from time to time. You know, I've been peppered pretty well myself," said Armstrong.

The 50,000-acre (20,000-hectare) Armstrong ranch has been in the influential south Texas family since the turn of the last century. Katharine is the daughter of Tobin Armstrong, a politically connected rancher who has been a guest at the White House and spent 48 years as director of the Texas and Southwestern Cattle Raisers Association. He died in October. Cheney was among the dignitaries who attended his funeral.

Cheney was legally hunting with a license he purchased in November, Texas Parks and Wildlife Department spokesman Steve Lightfoot said. The vice president flew back to Washington on Sunday evening, according to his office.

___

Nedra Pickler reported from Washington. Associated Press writer Paul J. Weber in Dallas contributed to this report.

2006-02-12T13:57:00.000-05:00

long story short, I was in the hospital Friday night because of my heart. I'm alright. Surgery is an option, as is medicine. I need to meet with the cardiologist and decide what I'm going to do. *yawn* Fred left work half an hour early, and stayed with me the whole night I was there. I was kind of shocked, lol, to be honest. ^_^

do you believe in genies?

2006-02-11T15:52:00.000-05:00

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf
course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the
husband said, "Honey be very careful when you drive the
ball-don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to
fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the
biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I
told you to watch out for the houses! Alright let's go up
there, apologize, and see how much that's going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say,
"Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the
floor and a broken bottle lying on its side on the foyer. A man
on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke the window?"

"Uh yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied. "No, actually
I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a
thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed
to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll
keep the last one for myself."

"OK great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year
for the rest of my life." No problem - it's the least I could
do.

And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the
wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And what's your wish genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I have been trapped in that bottle, I havn't had
sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with
your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well we did get a lot
of money and all those houses, honey. I guess it would be
alright."

The genie took the wife upstairs, and ravished her for two
hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife
and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?" "
35." she replied. "And he still believes in genies??? That's
amazing!"

Love Will Keep Us Together by Captain and Tennille

2006-02-10T12:05:00.000-05:00

Oddly enough, Frank knew the name of this song, and who did it....why Frank would know this, I've got no clue. I love it ever since I first heard it on Nip Tuck lmao. Great tune.

Love, love will keep us together
Think of me babe whenever
Some sweet talking girl comes along singing her song
Don't mess around,
You gotta be strong
Just Stop [stop], 'cause I really love You
Stop [stop], I'll be thinking of you
Look in my heart and let love keep us together

You, You belong to me now
Ain't gonna set you free now
When those girls start hanging around talking me down
Hear with your heart and you won't hear a sound
Just Stop [stop], 'cause I really love you
Stop [stop], I'll be thinking of you
Look in my heart and let love keep us together, what ever.

Young and beautiful
Someday your looks will be gone
When the others turn you off
Who'll be turning you on

I will, I will, I will, I will
Be there to share forever
Love will keep us together
Said it before and I'll say it again while others pretend
I'll need you now and I'll need you then
Stop 'cause I really love Ya
Stop I'll be thinking of Ya
Look in my heart and let love keep us together

awesome game

2006-02-09T06:00:00.000-05:00

This game is fun as fuck. http://69.46.24.198/~gkko/media/1426/bloodypenguim.swf Go ahead bitches! Beat 965.5! HAHAHA! Go me! lol

Oh, in other news, looks like I'm mildly lactose intolerant. I drink milk and then feel like shit (literally) for the next several hours. So uhm, yeah, that's an observation. Anywho, 6am here. Me go sleepy.

rant

2006-02-09T05:21:00.000-05:00

This guy on the hippie forums pissed me off when he said basically that everybody in my generation (18-25) is a whore. He pissed me off.

Here's his post.

Are all women and men whores?

Or is it just me? Maybe I'm from an older generation, but when I see how easy it is to go to bed with 18-25 y.o. girls today, I tend to think that women are becoming total whores.
Over here, girls were necklaces, earrings and armbands showing "sex codes", so that you can approach them and start your conversation with "hi, so you like anal sex while sucking a cock at the same time. How nice. Can I buy you a drink?" And after about five minutes they're out of stuff to talk about ("yes Brad Pitt is ok") and then you get a free blowjob because they're bored.

Common, what's up with these girls of today? Not that I don't like it, it's just that I (we?) want some romance too. A slut a day is fun, but where are all the mysterious girls? The ones you have to do your best for?

On another note, I just read that of all children that are born in the U.K. each year, 20% are actually illegitimate kids. That is: mother slept with a stranger but told hubby the kid's his. In the age group of 18-25 year olds, this ratio goes up to 35%!! Can you imagine? What a total whore situation.

Okay, let's poll it. Are all 18 to 25 year old girls and boys in America and Europe total whores?

PS: OK I admit, I should have added that the same applies for young men. My apologies to all women who read this and rightly indicated that a sexual act often takes two! So everything that's written above applies to men too!

Here's my reply.

I fall into this demographic. I do *not* sleep around. I haven't ever had a one night stand. I don't go into the bathroom to suck some guy's cock. It's not that I'm hardcore christian or anything, but that it's not my perogative.

I am sexually agressive, sure, but I don't go around and do that to anybody less than a boyfriend/girlfriend that I deeply care about. Does the fact that I'm sexually agressive and my ex and I slept together 500+ times over the 2.5 years we were together make me a whore, or just a good girlfriend?

Where I live, people at parties talk about sex and sex organs, but nobody wants to touch it, or feel it as you stated. Everybody I hang out with and party with even, falls between the ages of 17 and 25. And none of them are whores, yet you seem to act as though everybody in this age group is.

The whole issue is just a matter of perspective. That's all anything in this world is. It's all about your perspective, and changing your perspective on something can change a lot. (I'm not saying you need to change your perspective; please don't take it that way)

You may think that girls who go around having sex whenever they like are whores, but the next guy may not. For all you know these girls might very well be fed up with being treated like shit by assholes they've fallen for. They might just be tired of having their heartbroken, and decide that it's easier to just screw around with no emotions attached.

I wouldn't so much say that people in my generation are whores, but as far as I can see, all the women I know in my generation have been treated very badly by their significant others.

Maybe it's not that everybody is slutty and just looking for a piece of ass, but rather that our parents (that would be YOUR generation) didn't do a good job giving us proper moral guidence. Or maybe they just did a particularly good of a job when they taught us to think for ourselves as opposed to play into a mundane stereotype.

My thought before I fell asleep

2006-02-08T18:32:00.000-05:00

Really long time ago. Thousands of years ago:

"What's this dangly thing?"
"that's your penis."
"what does it do?"
"well when the time is right you use that to make babies, and until then, you use it to urniate." "urinate...I don't like that word....this fluid that comes out of it...what will I call it? It's a penis....it's.....nis. Look! I'm nissing! No...that doesn't work. Pe! Look! I'm peeing!"

omfg

2006-02-08T08:18:00.000-05:00

as seen on NBC13.com

Ice-T And David Hasselhoff Team Up For Rap Album
'Baywatch' Star To Reinvent Himself As 'Hassle The Hoff'
Rick Ellis

POSTED: 4:21 pm CDT May 21, 2004
UPDATED: 12:55 pm CDT June 4, 2004

David Hasselhoff, best known for starring in the television shows "Knight Rider" and "Baywatch," may be looking to release a rap album.

According to several press reports, legendary rapper Ice-T is set to produce a hip-hop album with Hasselhoff, whom the musician described as "a legend."

Ice-T told the British newspaper The Sun that he and Hasselhoff are neighbors, and they have struck up a friendship. "He's gonna come out as Hassle the Hoff," said the rapper, whose real name is Tracey Morrow. "The Hoff will surprise people with his rap skills and humor."

2006-02-07T01:16:00.000-05:00

Koran (9:11) - For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah; and there was peace.

Got this in an email forward. This is bullshit. In the Qu'ran it *really* goes like this:

Sūra 9: Tauba (Repentance) or Barāat (Immunity) Section 11 (81-89)

81. Those who were left behind (in the Tabuk expedition) rejoiced in their inaction behind the back of the Messenger of Allah. they hated to strive and fight, with their goods and their persons, in the cause of Allah. they said, "Go not forth in the heat." Say, "The fire of Hell is fiercer in heat." If only they could understand!

82. Let them laugh a little: much will they weep: a recompense for the (evil) that they do.

83. If, then, Allah bring thee back to any of them, and they ask thy permission to come out (with thee), say: "Never shall ye come out with me, nor fight an enemy with me: for ye preferred to sit inactive on the first occasion: Then sit ye (now) with those who lag behind."

84. Nor do thou ever pray for any of them that dies, nor stand at his grave; for they rejected Allah and His Messenger, and died in a state of perverse rebellion.

85. Nor let their wealth nor their (following in) sons dazzle thee: Allah.s plan is to punish them with these things in this world, and that their souls may perish in their (very) denial of Allah.

86. When a Sura comes down, enjoining them to believe in Allah and to strive and fight along with His Messenger, those with wealth and influence among them ask thee for exemption, and say: "Leave us (behind): we would be with those who sit (at home)."

87. They prefer to be with (the women), who remain behind (at home): their hearts are sealed and so they understand not.

88. But the Messenger, and those who believe with him, strive and fight with their wealth and their persons: for them are (all) good things: and it is they who will prosper.

89. Allah hath prepared for them gardens under which rivers flow, to dwell therein: that is the supreme felicity.

gotta love advertising

2006-02-06T12:02:00.000-05:00

I heard this on the radio just a few moments ago. Cracked me up something wicked.

"Purgatory is only 4 hours from Santa Fe and is open 98% of the time. Call 800.982.6103 to make a reservation."

lmao.

The Bachlor

2006-02-06T10:39:00.000-05:00

I was just watching The Bachelor on TBS. Funny fucking movie. I've always liked it. Jimmy Shannon (I forget the actor's name) feels pressured to propose to his girlfriend. And he does....and he blows it. 2 days later his grandfather dies, and he finds out that in order to inheret his grandfather's $100 million estate, Jimmy needs to get married by his 30th birthday - Tomorrow.

Girlfriend disappears, and he chases down all these other women that he dated trying to get one to marry him. But the catch is that they need to be married for 10 years and within 5 years have at least 1 "verifiable off spring."

It's pretty funny. Good flick.

I'd like to be the one to propose should a relationship go that far. I know exactly how I'd do it too. It'd be fun. And drawn out, and hell, it could take *weeks* for them to get to the proposal. It'll be fun. ^_^ Especially if the person likes odd things.

Speaking of relationships, I found myself recently getting caught in the loop of believing that everybody I end up with is a self absorbed, manipulative, emotionally abusive asshole who preys on the misery and others to feel empowered. Seeing as how Fred is none of these, I started to be come paranoid that he is actually one of them, and I just don't see it.

But then I came to my senses, and all is right in the world.

I wouldn't be shocked.

2006-02-05T05:16:00.000-05:00

On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual
trip.

As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped.
So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was
a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the
preparations.

The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At
this point, Santa was BUMMED.

He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the
bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad. All of sudden, there
was a knock at the door.

Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock.
Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came
again, Santa --filled with rage-- threw open the door.

Standing there was a little angel who said, "Hi Santa! What do
you want me to do with this Christmas Tree?" Hence...the story
of the Angel atop the tree.

sickly

2006-02-05T04:15:00.000-05:00

Oh, in other lovely news, I'm sicker than a fucking dog. Think I'm mildly lactose intolerant. I was throwing up for like 4 hours and out of everything I ate today, the only thing I threw up was the cheese sandwich. It was also the only thing with milk in it.

I don't know. We'll see. I don't think it's so much the milk itself, just how much of it I have in one sitting. If I take it easy, it doesn't bother me.

hitchhiker's movie

2006-02-05T03:18:00.000-05:00

Arthur - "We can talk about normality until the cows come home."
Trillian - "What's normal?"
Ford - "What's home?"
Zaphod - "What are cows?"

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable... There is another theory which states that this has already happened."

I think for Halloween I wanna dress up as Zaphod. ^_^ That'd be awesome. He's got awesome fashion sense. heh.

2006-02-05T03:08:00.000-05:00

(ohm) (mah) (nee) (pahd) (may) (hum)

2006-02-04T11:24:00.000-05:00

"Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press
2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and
6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what
you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will
tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Enlightenment Quiz

2006-02-02T01:40:00.000-05:00

1. Yin and ......... A) Yout B) Tonic C) Yenta D) Yang

2. A Zen koan is ........> A) A Jewish Buddhist B) All of the
above C) None of the above D) None of the above

3. Just before total God-realization I would see.......> A) A
blue pearl B) Nothing C) Everything D) How would I know?

4. Lao-Tsu is....... A) Shrimp with fried rice B) The Atman
Brothers C) A Japanese word for sneeze D) Someone you should
know about

5) Jivatman and Atman merge to become....... A) Jivatmanatman
B) The Atman Brothers C) Jivatman & Atman Inc. D) Mr. & Mrs.
Atman

6) The word or words which best describes the relationship of
God, Guru, and Self is:- A) Oneness B) Twoness C) Penpalness
D) Just good friends

7) Which of the following is not a name of the Lord?> A) Jehova
B) Elohim C) Yahweh D) Charlton Heston

8) If you swap a Swami with a Yogi you get....... A) A Swogi B)
A Salami C) Yogurt D) Heartburn

9) Carlos Castaneda is: A) A flamenco dancer B) A resort near
San Juan C) A mystery D) The guitarist for Santana

10) Om Mani Padme Om means:- A) O Manny, pardon my home B)
Money talks, nobody walks in C) If u cn rd ths msg u cn gt a gd
jb D) Sanskrit for, Never having to say you're sorry

11) The sound of one hand clapping is: A) Very quiet B) Similar
to smiling with one lip C) A Zen record shop D) Like the "p" in
swimming

12) Linguine is to fettucine as kundalini is to: A) Eenie
meenie B) Halloweenie C) Harry Houdini D) Pepto Bismol (this is
a silly answer)

13) The Tao Te Ching is: A) The new premier of China B) A new
record by Cheech and Chong C) I Ching's older brother D) A fine
Chinese restaurant in New York

14) You arrive at a party and your host says, "Far out, I want
to take the responsibility for creating space in your universe
so you can experience your experience." He means: A) "Have a
good time" B) "Don't eat the Swedish meatballs" C) "I just
completed EST training" D) Nothing anyone would understand

15) If three devotees can meditate for a total of nine hours,
how many devotees would it take to mow the lawn?

16) If three devotees can mow the lawn in one hour, how many
stoned devotees would it take to meditate until nobody cared?

17) If shakti was rising toward the fourth chakra at a rate of
3.5 pranayamas per second, and at the same time an energy force
was traveling in the opposite direction at a rate of
4.8 pranayamas per second, what time would it be in Chicago if
we woke up in Los Angeles?

True-False

_______Ramakrishna is a cereal made with rice and maple
flavoring.

_______Satori is better than nirvana and samadhi except on
weekends and holidays.

_______Sufi dancing is like square dancing only rounder.

_______The Tibetan Book of the Dead is a novel by Harold
Robbins.

Score 0-5 points: You are hopelessly attached to the wheel of
life and death. Try again next incarnation!

6-10 points: You are largely unconscious and stuck in worldly
pleasures.

10-15 points: You are so-so on the enlightenment scale. Keep
reading the New Sun.

15-20 points: You are a very conscious being; with a little
good karma you could go a long way.

20-25 points: You are very close to True Awareness

[Where do you find the answer key? AH - that is the REAL
test.....]

people, not profits.

2006-02-01T04:43:00.000-05:00

Remember this slogan: people, not profits. If you really care about people, take all
of their money away.

humor

2006-01-31T20:56:00.000-05:00

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't need him again.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Pirate Jokes

What do you call a pirate who poses for Playgirl? Play-matey
----------------------------
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!" "What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."

The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really." "Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes." "Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."

"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"

"Well," says the pirate, "I wasn't used to me hook yet."
----------------------------
#1 Pirate Pickup Line: "Ahoy, how about checkin' out me bed in me cabin on me ship? The rocking motion is quite pleasant, if ye catch me drift."
----------------------------

Random Spam

2006-01-31T19:45:00.000-05:00

From: Penelope Dick
stonewall be flow ! butyl not revolution on grenoble some chastise ! breadboard a daub on implementer be beggar it latrobe it bombproof ! liverpool it siren be brenda not turtleback the caiman in cagey some malabar try pillar , industrious ! preserve a shatterproof a bundoora try dunkirk see importation in hogan some tass a gorgeous may averse not amphibian in mcdermott on barn it nrc a Keine email hier on burgundy may utah it's be dressmake it's acid on , erato a david , on embank it conflagrate on

muzak

2006-01-31T10:13:00.000-05:00

I made two songs tonight. Two mixes of Conjure One's "Face The Music." My acoustic guitar mix and my techno dance mix can be heard on AcidPlanet.

productive day

2006-01-31T06:07:00.000-05:00

Kay, so today was relativly productive. I....did that thing with the stuff...oh, I played FFXI, and leveled up to 21. I was running around the Tomb and I was trying to get to my level, and this level 75 WHM/37 BLM IM's me and asks if I want to be in a party in Valkrum. We get to talking and she asks if I have my sub job, and I said no, cause I can't solo the quest. So she tells me to get Teleport Holla, and she'll meet me there. So I get there, and she runs me down to the Gusgen Mines where she and her "husband" - as she kept calling him, but I highly doubt they've even met - go in and kill the skeleton that needed to be killed so I can get the skull. The LAST thing I needed to get that quest. After that, she starts running me to Jueno so I can get my choco license.

So on the way, she and her husband power level me up to 21. Safely get me to Jueno, well I died once on the way, but she raised me from the dead (and I'm still not a zombie...disapointing). She randomly gives me 40,000 so I can buy some earrings that enhance your magic. Then after I've bought 'em, she gives me ANOTHER 30,000 "I hope it helps."

I was dumbfounded. People have been somewhat nice to me throughout the game, but there are a lot of fucking assholes. IdolSoul, I remember him, lol, he randomly power levels me for a bit and gives me 100,000 gil.

Aside from that, I slept a lot, and worked a bunch. So I feel productive. Now I'm about to remix!